Bachelorette. Episode 3.1. Run Down.

Last season I did a post on all of the time’s I just about lost it watching the episode of the Bachelor where the ladies were being chased by stinky wild pigs in the ocean…

And since I am a firm believe in never recreating the wheel (look at that consulting term that has stuck in my head…makes me sound smart no?)…we’re doing it again!

Lezzz be honest guys, without the group of meatball guys, this season would be a triple dose of Ambien. Jo Jo is too smart to make any silly mistakes like Kaitlyn and has the polite act down to a science…but thanks to those producers…there is still hope.

I give you the 9 times I died watching last nights episode of the Bachelorette.

Let’s begin.

  1. ANY TIME EVAN MENTIONED HIS RIPPED SHIRT. Oh Evan…sweet Evan…your face is so rat like and your hair is so…well…bad. Chad had it completely correct when he analyzed Evan as a “guy who used to be bullied and now since the group is against Chad as a whole, feels confident enough to fluff his feathers”. Last night, Evan acted out on years of pent-up aggression by making fun of Chad’s “alleged” steroid use during the world’s most bogus group date. So what does Chad do…the same thing any 8 year old on the playground whose feelings were hurt WOULD do…he pulled his v-neck shirt. AND EVAN’S SOUL DIED. It woulda been a producer gem to add one of those counters on the bottom of the screen for everytime Evan talked about his shirt getting “ripped”. Lucky for you Evan, there is no shortage of skin-tight v-neck shirts to go around.
  2. YIB YUM. Is that what it was called? YIB TUM? Yub Yum? Yib Yum…i think that’s right…basically it’s a position in “yoga” where a girl and a guy sit criss-cross-applesauce on each other’s laps and there noses touch like bunnies and you breathe in each others nasty onion breath on repeat. This just reminded me of the time Ben had to sniff the girls to see what their pheromones smelled like and he called one girl sour and then he realized that was a bonehead choice of words. It’s like someone realized they could call something yoga or “research” as a way to get some hanky panky on TV for once that isn’t behind a closed bathroom door…YIB YUM IT IS.
  3. CHADS EYEBROW. There’s another character in the house and it’s Chad’s eyebrow. That sucker got more TV time than even Jo Jo herself. Wanna know how Chad is feeling? Check the eyebrow. Is it up? Homie is ANNOYED. Is it furrowed? Roid Rage is upon us all. I hope the eyebrow get’s a screen credit.
  4. CHADS WORKOUT “BENCH”.Has anyone else noticed how Chad has made a work bench out of the rock wall outside the mansion? Is it really out of their budget to give these guys a gym? Honestly, they should keep it this way, because watching him swing a suitcase from his hips as he hangs on the pergola and use a slanted rock wall as a work-out bench, just about gives me the giggles.
  5. THAT ONE MOMENT WHEN EVAN WAS DOING SQUATS. That’s it…can we make it a GIF please?

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  6. THE DISSED KISS. When Chad tried to kiss Jo Jo instead of telling a silly old sessy story and got the full on side cheek rejection….in front of everyone…after looking like a baby and pulling Evan’s precious maroon v-neck…oh universe…you strike again. JOJO FLETCHER, CHAD

7. JORDANS ESCAPING HAIR TENDRIL. Y’all have already heard about my outrage of the Poodle hair this season. And apparently Jordan’s hair is rebelling as well. In two episodes, his hair is rebelling and trying to escape the confines of the gelled pillow on his head. It reminded me of those brooms in Fantasia as they are swishing up the stairs. Dude….snip snip…cut that HAIR.

mickeysbroomdance
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8. THE ABC’s. If y’all watched…ya know. This blog is too PG for anymore detail. But when Nick gets up there and starts spelling out the letters with his tongue. RIP GOGGIN. CUZ I WAS DONE. CACKLING.

9. THE SWEET POTATO. Y’all better have caught that moment when Chad was snacking on a sweet potato…with the skin…like it was a corn dog. THIS GUY. IS SO BONKERS.

That’s it y’all.

It’s like Christmas eve waiting for the big “beat down” episode that is obviously not as dramatic as they are making it out to be. Something tells me James T. just falls on wet concrete and bops his head on Chad’s workout “bench” instead of actually getting sucker punched by the hulk of the bachelor mansion.

But if i’m wrong…grab your popcorn y’all…and I hope Evan has another v-neck available to get ripped…mwhaha.

 

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