Monday nights are great again. Why? WHY?! You have to ask me why?!
Since you asked.
IT’S CUZ THE BACHELORETTE IS BACK. And because there is a God, the bachelorette is not Caila with her Snow White princess hair…it is Jo Jo. Sweet, sweet, booze lovin’ Jo Jo with her middle part, ombre hair, and skittle eyes from the sweet state of Texas.
I’ve been counting down to the most wonderful day when we would finally get to see Jo Jo surrounded by a bunch of meatballs vying for her attention.
AND LAST NIGHT, CHRISTMAS COME EARLY.
I have to wonder if Jo Jo really ticked off some of the higher ups over there at ABC. Because they gave her a pack of turds. Yes, I just said turds. Someone was clearly unhappy with all of her “honesty” with Ben, telling him she loved him and then that whole bathroom situation…they’re getting their revenge.
She has a collection of turds the size of Montana at her beckon call…how lucky for her….pfffftttttt.
I can’t wait to watch her fake interest in these chunks of waste for several weeks….television is great, simply a gift. A collection of anger management drop-outs, with a future in promoting flat tummy tea on Instagram for a quick buck…grab the popcorn…let’s enjoy it together people.
Let’s just get right to it…judging the perfectly, plucked eyebrows off these boys like we all know we do…ADMIT IT. I AM NOT ALONE.
First up…the cream of the crop…Evan.
Now….here is what Evan actually looks like…
Here is what I picture in my head every time I see him…
HE’S GARY OLDMAN IN THE FIFTH ELEMENT AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT WILL GET THIS IMAGE OUTTA YOUR HEAD NOW.
Evan is a former pastor…turned erectile dysfunction specialist…I never knew being a ED specialist was a fall back plan for being a pastor….I have so many jokes…none of them are appropriate for print…BUT SO MANY JOKES YALL. HE IS A GIFT.
Next up…The token Canadian who seriously lacks exposure to the sun.
…what are y’alls first thoughts when you see this picture….mine were that he is a mildly skeezy looking dude, that sorta looks like a vampire; probably has had botox minimum 6 times, and has a zillion teeth in his mouth…and then I thought further…and my mind went to the most epic of party movies of my generation.
Mike Dexter…from Can’t Hardly Wait.
….they should also add in there, “went on the bachelorette and was laughed at for poking a guy’s belly button”. He obviously thought he was too hot for the simpletons of Vancouver and decided to come down to the great U.S. of A and find himself a real catch from Dallas…on television…because he is a “male model” and all…aka a brand rep for a t-shirt company on Instagram….I’m just guessing.
Can we all agree that this is the season of the Ariel bang hair do for the guys?
Look at that volume…did I miss a memo that girls are now into the guys who rock the shaved sides and 20 feet long giant poodle bang…what does that look like when it’s wet…can we PLEASE get a shot of these guys in the pool or shower with their bang mops over their eyes like a sheepdog?
…don’t ya just wanna take your hand and pat those suckers down?! The bangs…the bangs I mean.
I’m still getting a sense for these dudes, but lets be honest, Jo Jo has about three guys to pick from who aren’t escapees from the prison of douchery.
There’s this guy…Jordan…obvious winner…sad-sack brother of Aaron Rogers, Discount Double Check Packer QB who likes to phrase his ejection from the NFL as a retirement…pfffffhhhhttt.
There’s this guy… Robby…whose favorite flower is a honeysuckle…so every bouquet she will ever get is obviously from his neighbors backyard honeysuckle bush because he’s thoughtful like that. But…he’ll be there in the final two…because NO OPTIONS.
This guy…Luke…looks like he thoroughly enjoys the smell of his own flatulence…or is just always smelling something sour…or that he is prepped for a career of romance novel covershoots. Bye. BYE.
…and then there was some nut job who dressed up as a ponchy mall santa claus the entire time, because clearly he is playing on that fantasy that all girls have of hooking up with their sweaty, white bearded grampa with a weird obsession with bringing children toys and working with midgets. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
I didn’t end the episode with an extreme excitement about watching Jo Jo fall in love…cuz..lezzzz be honest… I really don’t care. I’m just here to watch this gaggle of earthworms drink too much, fight too much, and wear henleys and v-necks that are too tight because, product placement guys.
Ok, y’all know my picks. Who ya got going all the way?!
It’s Bachelorette season…and I. AM. PUMPED.