Last nights episode…was just a work of art. It was created for bloggers in mind, in my selfish opinion. Watching last nights episode felt like I was floating on a fluffy cloud of acceptable judgement. From the opening credits…to the montage of upcoming season sob fests, I was just beaming with delight. UTTER DELIGHT.
I had high hopes for some serious girl dramz…I however enjoyed this while also realizing that my bachelor bracket was ten levels of junk because we all knew what was about to go down…but first…the top 25 times I died during last nights episode.
- The time when Ben comes in to collect Caila (Princess Perfect Hair) for her SECOND one on one date and sits next to pouty pants Leah as she attempts to mesh into the couch cushion and continue to be unseen.
- When Caila mind-f’d Ben during their “dinner” date where first she tells him she’s falling for him, but in the same run-on sentence tells him she’s probably going to hurt him because she’s not ready to fall in love with him yet…sorry…what? You saw his eyes twitching as he attempt to follow the words coming out of her mouth…
- Anytime the ratio of jorts (Jean Shorts) to pants is like 4:1. Extra points when they’re either so short the pockets hang down…or so high they can tuck their neck skin into the waist band.
- Anytime one of the ladies wore a caftan out of Rose from the Golden Girls closet as a beach “cover up” (I’m looking at you Emily)
- WHEN THE GIRLS WERE GEARING UP TO SWIM WITH SHARKS BUT WERE FORCED TO SWIM WITH WILD BAHAMA PIGS.
- That time when Lauren H. was snuggling a pig because Ben could care two poops about her presence.
- When Jo Jo opted to swim with a giant pig vs. talk to Ben one second longer
- DID I MENTION THEY WERE SWIMMING WITH HAMMIES?
- When Becca kept putting her arms over her chest to tell the pigs to step off..which is the same motion I was told to do when I was in a Catholic wedding when it came time for communion…who knew the motions were so universal.
- When Ben attempted to connect with Leah but the only words that came to his mouth were “How are the pigs?”…face palm.
- When Leah attempted to turn her time here on the Bachelor into a modern Steven Avery case of wrongful conviction. Homegirl saw the producers printing out her ticket home and panicked. The obvious strategy was to pick the front runner, Lauren B. (Cute face No Chin) and attempt to spit evil girl lies that she was a bi-polar psycho like Olivia instead of perhaps just talking about herself and getting to know the midwestern wonder boy. DOY.
- When Leah LIED, bold face, on the couch after Lauren B. realized she was dooped. The best was when Becca starts naming off everyone who simply didn’t do it and the only one left….was Leah.
- When Amanda was talking to Ben and clearly had too much red wine because her teeth looked like she just had a visit to Dr. Trailer Park, D.D.S.
- Watching Leah shove her foot 8,000 feet into her mouth as she attempted to continue her scheme of squashing Lauren B.’s reputation but all she got was a swift kick in the butt as Ben booted her to the curb. Snitches get ditches girl.
- The time when I realized Emily and Olivia were going on the 2 on 1 together…high fiving a thousand angels. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO US ALL.
- Watching Olivia and Emily ride in the car together on their way to the most awkward day of their life with their legs swung in complete opposite directions as they attempted to pretend the other jort wearing bimbo wasn’t in the car. A moon bounce coulda fit in there with how much space they were keeping between them.
- Anytime Olivia looked completely different than she had in the previous shot because of her radical make up and hair choices. No eye make up? Looks 15. Eye make up? Pushing 48.
- When Olivia called Emily young…when they are the same age. YOU BOTH 23.
- Watching Emily attempt to talk through her knotted spinstorm of blonde hair…someone get this girl a hair tie.
- That awkward moment when Olivia tells Ben she loves him and you see him wish he could evaporate like Harry Potter to the Weasleys hollow or something.
- When Ben begrudgingly kisses Olivia and pulls away swiftly like someone has a string attached to his head off camera.
- When Ben’s outfit for the group date looked like long underwear from the Civil War.
- Oh oh oh, when he plays it so that Olivia gets dumped standing in freezing bahamas water in the middle of a hurricane wearing nothing but jorts (again jorts) and a poor excuse for a bathing suit and is placed so that she has to watch him and Emily canoodle as he gives her the rose. LOW BLOW MAN.
- I actually died when she got booted because I had her going to the final…bachelor bracket is now worthless.
- When he sent Lauren H. home even though she was the only one with hair that didn’t look like one of the fraggles after a day in the coal mines.
I can’t wait for next weeks sob-fest 2016. It’s a double whammy of forced bachelor alum interactions during Jade and Tanners “Wedding” and then a serious case of the weepies when Ben starts realizing “how hard this all is”. Ahhhh Chris Harrison…you are Gods gift to all the reality tv lovers of the world.
Favorite moments. GO.