Total number of times I’ve called poison control before December 23, 2015: 1

Total number of times I’ve called poison control after December 23, 2015: 2

It could be worse right?

I caught myself attempting to be ya know…”crafty” and “thoughtful”…even though it was totally last minute and something I just kept putting off…but my friend Lisa assured me that this special brand of plaster handprint ornament junk from Michaels was idiot proof and turned out really well…it did for her, I saw it with my own two eyes, it was lovely.

The shit I got attempted to destroy my daughters face.

I dunno if theres anything much worse than attempting to “make things” with children under the age of 3. I know there are kids who just “love art” and “Can’t get enough”…but those kids do not live in my house. I am amazed every time Luke comes home with a beautiful done piece of art from school… I am skeptical that he actually made any of it himself and that the teacher took one of those “Crafty kids” and just had her make 2…because all mine are just hot messes.

But…I figured…I’d give it a try…because memories and things like that.

So, I bought a bunch of kits to make plaster ornaments of emma’s chubby little hands. And it almost killed her.

The first batch I made…dried too fast…even though I waited the right amount of time…so it’s clearly not user error.

The second batch…we gave it a go…I smushed her lil hand down in the plaster attempting to keep her hand open (it said hold for 1 minute…da fuq kinda baby can keep their hand still for 1 minute I ask you) I aimed for 10 seconds. I got 2 seconds before she clenched her hand and clawed right through the plaster of pain.

As I reached for the wipe…I saw in slow motion her hand going into her mouth…and then on her face…CURSE YOU CRAFTS.

After a nice gentle wipe down…we tried again…and then I realized this is the devils work and that they grandparents can be happy with pictures glued to the plaster and we’ll call it a win.

….that is until I looked over and saw Emma’s face turning the shade of a really ripe tomato…everywhere…EVERYWHERE.

“Hello this is Poison Control”

” Hi, I procrastinated and force my child to use off-brand plaster ornament making kit and now her face is rebelling and trying to burn itself off my babies bones”

“Ok…give her benadryl and if that doesn’t clear up, take her to the ER”

(Paraphrasing the interaction a bit)

Internal Monologue: “Remember that time the pediatrician said to have benadryl on hand at all times…shoulda listened to that one you ninny”

Baby is fine. Ornaments are atrocious…but we tried. Put them on the back of the tree so that only your annoying neighbors or the spiders can see them.

I’m leaving the crafting to the teachers…here’s hoping 2016 is a poison control free year!