I feel like I should write this blog post as if I’m by myself in a jungle somewhere writing home (probably watching too much Naked and Afraid XL)…or like a soldier writing to it’s family members from the front line…because that’s basically how I feel about potty training.

Dearest Loved Ones,

It’s the start of week 2 here at Potty Training Camp…otherwise known as the Resolve Carpet Cleaner Northern Virginia Headquarters. We’ve had some glowing moments. Some moments where I mistakenly thought this process wouldn’t be so hard after all…and then…like a sneak attack in the night, reality slaps me silly across the face.

Last Wednesday was like D day…we shall now refer to it as P day though…as the day the earth and the moon collided and my son smeared and caked so much poop into the carpet I just didn’t remember how to function anymore. I tried to Facetime Peter with the gory details, but nothing could do it justice…because theres no “Smell time” on face time…basically, I shut the door and ignored it until he came home later and could remind me that there are such things as carpet cleaners and that I don’t have to have Empire on speed dial just yet…then Luke did it again the next morning…and we came to some unspoken agreement Peter is on poop carpet cleaning duty…and I just try and find my happy place three glasses into a bottle of Riesling.

But don’t feel sad for me family members, there are some glimmers of hope. Like the fact that he actually has pooped in the Thomas Potty ( side note: if you have a boy…or if you happen to manufacture this thing..MAKE THE SHIELD BIGGER…it’s so not fun having to constantly monitor that he’s pointing that thing down and that it’s not splashing back all of him or my carpet). He found the stash of Monster Truck toys yesterday and basically pooped on command so he could get the precious El Toro Loco Bull Monster truck…whatever works they say…He then tried to say that a tiny worm of poop counted enough to get the Crushstacion one…and we argued on that…and I won…TMI? This is a potty training update…you get all the details.

The general (Luke) sometimes is really mean. He screams a lot. He Cries. Sometimes he’s abusive…the way a toddler can abuse the soul. He fights me sometimes and lies and says he doesn’t have to go when EVERYONE knows he has to. He gets nicer when you offer bribes. Puddle splashing…toys…candy…all of the good things in life.

We’ve had two accidents in the dirt department, however I see a progress in him knowing that he’s catching himself and rushing over to Thomas lickity split…so…theres that. I guess. And the liquid part…got that down :). So…hooray?

Send Oreos and wine…and a couple back copies of People Magazine because I feel like I have no concept of what is going on in the outside world (syke thats a lie…I know it all…that Bachelorette last night? So boring. BYE NICK).

Kisses,

Lindsey