Bachelorette Recap….Nick is back….I’m dead inside.

What the fizzle sticks is going on with this season…I watch it with my mouth hanging open the entire time (not JUST because I’m shoving wine and cookies in my mouth the entire 2 hours), but because this show is BLOWING MY MIND.

First off…Clint. CLINT. CLINNNNTTTTTT.

How does one go from the front runner with the first solo date to being the guy who has a first class ticket on the crazy train within 2 weeks?? The edits are trying to show Clint as being closetly gay and there to fall in love with JJ, chipmunk cheeks. He dresses like a cater waiter, he is always sweaty, he puts crisco oil in his hair ( I assume)…who is this guy?

Kaitlyn finally realizes that he capital S U C K S and sends him home early for a. talking about JJ and his mad crush on him and b. for crisco hair and c. for being a bologna head. I seriously feel like he leaves the show and goes off to film an adult video called (vulgar comment coming…warning)The Green Bay Fudge Packers…cuz doesn’t he look just like Clay Matthews?!?! SPITTING IMAGE.

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When JJ basically switches teams when he realizes his relationship with vesty short pants could get him sent home…you see Clint die a little inside. He totally hoped that JJ would drop his glass, confess his love, and leave with him in the limo of shame…welp, that didn’t happen. Chippy cheeks and clinty linty boy have a strange fight where they look like they’d rather make out than fist fight and Clint says JJ’s tie doesn’t match his shirt…low blow man…LOW BLOW. BYE CLINT.

Group dates shmoop dates…zzzZZZz they rap, warlock wizard gets a solo date in a museum, they ride a helicopter, it’s romantic, I laughed I cried…yea yea yea.

But let’s skip to the other good stuff…BRILLO HEAD IS BACK. MY SOUL WANTS TO VOMIT. I LOATHE YOU. Cotton headed ninny muggins is back looking as douchery as ever. It’s like doucheness oozes outta his pores, all of the pores. Does he just smell like musk and masculineness? Why do these girls like him? Does his breath smell like diamond water? Does he hide $50s in his gym socks? WHATS THE DEAL? He looks like a taller version of Bilbo Baggins and sounds like my toddler as he tries to say “fast cars” with his toddler lisp. BLERGHHHHH.

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He asks to stay…because he hasn’t been on In Touch Weekly in a year or more and he’s having tabloids withdrawal. He’s trying to get a sponsorship with Trimfast or some other diet drug that National Enquirer will run on a full page spread. And ya know what boy crazy canadian chica does… she pretends to be conflicted, but betch lets him stay. However, she was totally not ok with Jordan trying to make a comeback on her season….Andi didn’t let the outside guy come in on her season…but Kaitlyn…THE MORE THE MERRIER. Do you think this is the first time in her life guys have seriously thrown themselves at her feet? Or maybe she just has a thing for desperate guys who disrespect women on national television… I CANT.

I can’t wait to watch the “mean girls” in all these guys come out. Someones going to try to push Nick in front of a bus. Someones going to cut holes in his shirts. Someones going to try and put visine in his water (that’d be hilarious). I hope someone hides his hair gel and we see how frizzy his brillo head can really get….GROAN. GROANNNN.

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Also, side thoughts…crazy onion Ashley from last season? Totally normal…I have this image of the producers feeding her lines so she doesn’t look as loopy as she did last season. JJ crying and slapping his face when Clint left…anyone concerned this guy has kids?? Butt cut hair (I have no idea what his name is) has a really big nose and no personality. Peter Brady look a like likes henley baseball tees. Kaitlyn really likes backless dresses….like….loves it…also…her duck lips are getting poutier every week. Quack quack.

TIL NEXT WEEK.

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