Bachelorette Recap: Knock Outs, Drowned rats, and Bad Jokes.

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Welp, here we go, it’s date timeeeeeee.

First week of group dates and there are already some characters starting to emerge. You have Jared, who seriously looks like he is in his senior year at Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Or Vampire School. Either way, homeboy does some dark magic in the back section of his closet. You have the dentist who the show is calling “cupcake” so you remember he rolled in on a cupcake the first night because besides that he is ridiculously boring. JJ looks as if he is smuggling in chestnuts in his fluffy cheeks. And Ben Z is apparently as big as the incredible hulk, the Z must stand for Zenormous.

We get our first glimpse of when Brady meets Brit at the hotel after she was given the boot. She’s sitting on her bed talking to her mom with 6000 hand made friendship bracelets in a plethora of neon colors. He rolls in with a tunic type t-shirt, man leggins (meggins), and an aurora of “I haven’t showered since Tuesday and it’s Sunday” kinda vibe. They should be good for each other. They both like to wear sweatshirts and jackets around their waists. Match made in deodorant wearing heaven.

The group date couldn’t of been more stupid, ok it could have been because they could have spent their time together making more friendship bracelets for Brit to wear…but cmon. This is clearly her opportunity for her to live out her fantasy of a group of guys fighting over her attention, but she went big with this dream, she got her ticket outta Canada and she is gonna make it worth while. She got a boxing pro, some silky boxing shorts (high waisted pink silk shorts look good on everyone), and a whole lot of white tape and asked the guys to beat the shiz outta each other. Basically it comes down to Ben Z beating the junk outta everyone and actually sending Wizard boy Jared to the hospital because he knocked him DOWN. Everyone left with some black eyes and had a great time…this date was sponsored by Tylenol….I can only speculate.

boxing

Clint, scores the first solo date for drawing a picture of Chris Harrison riding on a dinosaur…cuz that’s an attractive quality. They go on a super strange date where they take picture underwater…an afternoon of chlorine red eyes and oozy noses sounds so romantic. I am dying to see the outtakes and the pics left on the cutting room floor…Also, WHY DID THEY DO HER HAIR FOR HER TO GO UNDERWATER?? Waste of resources…WASTE. Basically these pictures belong on the cover of the grocery store romance novels…They look like drowned rats in ball gowns and suspenders. Get me an 8 X 10 stat.

o-DOG-FALLS-INTO-POOL-facebook

Clint will probably stick around for the first 4 or 5 weeks but theres no way he’ll last, he never talks, and his hair looks really thin when wet, peace Mr. C.

Can we all just agree that Amy Schumer should be the next bachelorette? Or just be Kaitlyn’s wing lady for the whole show? I’ma need her commentary at all times. Chestnut cheeks JJ comes out of the gate ready to win the improv date with his Bulldozer knock knock joke, but ends the day with Amy making fun of him to his face and having zero clue that it’s happening. “When I meet girls my pick up line is hi Im JJ Im divorced, I have a kid and I live with my parents…” worst pick up line ever? …..She also tells him he’s not smarter than anyone in the audience, has a horrible Jerry Seinfeld impression, and is a turd. Amen. JJ the turd…sounds like a cartoon my toddler would watch.

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10 minutes from the end of this episode, Kupah comes outta left field. He has watched the seasons before…and I’m pretty sure he just wanted validation that he wasn’t still at the mansion because of his skin color. He wanted to hear WHY he was there and he wanted a good answer….which apparently he didn’t feel like he got…even though Kaitlyn gave him a legit answer that she was intrigued by his taste in music…or something. He wanted her to tell him she likes his shiny shiny head, his bad taste in clothes, and his lack of social skills. He just couldn’t let it go…and Kaitlyn was SO ready to let him go, which she did before the rose ceremony, because he sucks.  He pouts. He stomps his feet. He complains to the guys about their “situation”. He swears at her when she says he’s gotta go. He doesn’t wanna. He has a toddler type tantrum, like the one my kid had at the pool yesterday. He yells at a production assistant and Kaitlyn gets all mama bear of her production crew and heads out there and then just when I think she’s about to put her new boxing skills into action…

TO BE CONTINUED.

CURSE YOU ABC. YOU MAKE ME WATCH TWO HOURS OF THIS SHOW AND DONT EVEN GIVE ME THE SATISFACTION OF A ROSE CEREMONY?!?! EFFFFFFFFFFFF. WHY CANT I QUIT YOU?? Oh right…cuz I’m a girl in your target market and you know what I like to watch….PSHHHHTTTT. Hate choo. BUT ILL SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT WEEK BECAUSE IM WEAK.

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