AND WE’RE BACK.

(Live blogging in hopes of providing a more accurate depiction of what my brain thinks during this episode…you are warned).

We last left Brit sitting dramatically in front of that fire place and there she still sits…man her butt must be tired after an entire 24 hour pause of events and to still be sitting there looking like a box of puffs plus kleenex…pshttttt. Also, did anyone notice how loud the mic was on Chris Harrisons shoes?! Click clack attack.

Chris tells Brit she is NOT the bachelorette…kinda like he told Frank the Tank he gots ta go…and she is like F-ing Shocked. This is probably the first time she’s ever been rejected by a guy…well since she was rejected on national tv a few months ago by Old McDonald and it clearly does NOT sit well with her.

They don’t even let her say goodbye to the clan of men, to Kaitlyn, to anyone…INTO THE LIMO YOU GO YOU ROSE COFFIN REJECT. “I didn’t see that coming at all”…girlfriend thought she had it in the bag, she thought those dudes were just gonna sniff her freshly washed hair and be all about it. But she was going up against a spit firey Canadian and we all know how hard that is to resist.

When Chris tells Kaitlyn she is the Bachelorette she nearly punched him in the jugular, full force. I saw it in her eyes. His attempt at being coy was not appreciated, girlfriend just wanted to hear that Locks for Love cover model is gone and she is in there like swimwear.The awkward fight to get the title you deserved the whole time is over, YOU WON. VICTORY.

Kaitlyn calls her mom that she is the next Bachelorette and mama is so proud ya know. She has dreamed her whole life that her little girl would one day star in a reality show to date and snog a bunch of mediocre dudes in hopes of providing the future son in law to give her daughter her green card. HOOORAYYYY.

She then has to walk back into a room of guys whom she knows not everyone picked her…and some of them couldn’t wipe the disappointment off their face. But no matter, the dudes flop back down the social ladder and are now vying for her rose. There are so many rose votes going on in these first two episodes…what more production assistant had to pluck all those thorns off?!?

The cocktail party goes on and you have a room full of dudes who are are mopey dopes. They are pouting. They are all “my chick aint here” and some of them come right out and tell Kaitlyn that they didn’t even vote for her in the first place, like Jared the Sorcerer lookalike. Cuz that’s a good strategy. (Face Palm).

And then it gets flippin weird….

JJ comes out and asks her “whats your biggest fear” and Kaitlyn just says “psht im not answering that” (paraphrase) and goes right into ” i don’t want guys here who aren’t for me” trolling for him to tell her who she voted for…WHAT?! People should just wear a sandwich board with their vote on it so we can get past this.

FIRST KISS. WE HAVE IT. THE DENTIST. WHODA THUNK. Mr. Floss-alot got tongue skills. HIGH FIVE.

Matthew Mcconaughey look a like Shawn sneaks away with the first impression rose…is it really a first impression if they’ve been there for 765 hours and have already had one vote?! Kaitlyn has a full on toner for this guy. She basically forgot there are 21 other guys in the house right now…I’m not counting Brady because that guys a tool and the healer guy is too busy creating a voodoo doll so Brit will come back and date him. Settle down girl, it’s a long night and a long season.

40 minutes into the episode, we finally get some action. Roses start flying. I was on pins and needles to see if Kaitlyn would hold the flowers all cheesy like Andi did…she let me down by holding it like a normal person.

The house is completely divided into the “Kaitlyn Voters” and the “Brit Voters”. Kaitlyn voters feel entitled, like seriously uppercrust. KV’s feel that BV’s don’t deserve roses over them. KV’s feel that BV’s basically are scum of the earth. I half expected the room to split and them to start dancing and snapping like West Side Story (expected slash really hoped it would happen). AND THEN SOMETHING DRAMATIC HAPPENS…

Number one BV Brady says BYE. Quitter quitter chicken dinner. Whose shocked? Nobody.

In the end (God I can’t believe it’s finally the end of night one…LORD),a collection of derps, including caterpillar brows and carpool man go home. It’s morning at the mansion. An entire night of boozin, shmoozin, and a couple man and female casualities finally has us starting the journey into Kaitlyn’s season. And this season looks SO DARN GOOD I CANT WAIT.

Let’s Pucking Do This Eh?!