It was like waking up on Christmas Morning yesterday knowing that at Monday night at 9pm two hours of rose infused douchery was at my viewing pleasure. It’s been too long since Farmer Boy Chris selected his nasally fertility love goddess Whitney and I was having some serious made for tv drama voids in my life.

But this time it was going to be double the shameless flirting and bad punchlines because Chris Harrison and his minion of evil matchmakers decided to screw Kaitlyn over and make her battle for her prize with the doe eyed, soft spoken model for garnier nutrisee (in like Russia though) Brit.

TWO BACHELORETTES. CAT FIGHTS. EYE GLARES. TITTY TWISTERS (they hoped). HAIR PULLS. TEARS. ALL OF THE TEARS.

I’m pretty sure those were the words written on the white board during the planning session for this bat shit scenario of evil. I hope theres a staff therapist on board to help these ladies after this horrific night which strongly resembles that of a middle school dance or some looney junk like that.

In one corner of the nicely watered down cobble stone driveway (even though it totes wasn’t raining), you have Kaitlyn. The crowd favorite. The sailor mouth with a pretty smile. The one Jimmy Kimmel wanted to steal away. The one with the love of Hockey and Maple Leafs (CANADIAN). The one WE ALL WANTED ANYWAYS but apparently ABC didn’t think she was pretty enough to handle it on her own so they brought in…

Brit. The rumored to never shower, cry baby, emotional, investor in all hair products Brit. I just can’t with this woman. She came dressed as if she picked up a Cleopatra costume from the really nice halloween shop down the street. White gauze that looks like it came from your grammas window coverings with a belt that resembles the one Stone Cold Steve Austin has framed on his mantle. She also shy’d away from her token luscious ombre looks of beauty pageant glory for a copycat version of Kaitlyn’s token hair style…I’m so bored I could eat cookies…which I did. NOM NOM.

There’s 24 dudes, 20 of them are fugly. FUGLY. 2 of them are….ok fine. 2 of them are worthy of being on television…way to keep the ratio strong ABC. I could find hotter dudes simply walking around my local Wegmans and I bet none of them would be as d-baggy as the ones you picked.

There are like 5 “fitness trainers” (aka gym rats), a stripper (with eye brows so big it looks like he’s smuggling caterpillars into the show), a sex coach who…if you listen til the end DOESNT ACTUALLY COACH PEOPLE UNTIL HE”S EXPERIENCED IT ALL…WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!, a Dentist…kudos for good teeth, some “investment bankers” aka mob money, and some other boring jobs. Snooze fest. Let’s get to the real meat.

Some of these dudes got jokes…like the “I wanna Puck you guy”…and the guy who rolled in with a hooptie filled with stinky bath water. Or the guy with the volleyball…not sure why he had that, but I like Volleyball so me accept. Then you have the creepos, like the ‘healer’ aka drug pusher who told both girls the same cheesy opening line. BYE. GO AWAY.

After the girls are asked to stand there awkwardly while the guys decide who they want to talk to first….(this is a page from He’s Just Not That Into You apparently), the dudes spend the night getting tanked and trying to get the chick they want to win. It’s like dating Survivor without the smells, rice, and with better chairs. The goal of the night is to put their rose into the coffin (i mean box) of the girl they want to stick around for them to shmooze on. All seems to be going well…

Until Frank the Tank Ryan goes off his rocker. He starts spewing Anchorman and Tommy Boy quotes and eventually tells everyone “They Suck” and strips down and flops into the pool. Rule number 1 of Bachelor night one etiquette, don’t get drunk and get in the pool. It’s that simple. Need I repeat, DONT GET DRUNK AND GET IN THE POOL. He slurs and spits on everyone, touches Caitlyn’s shiny blue rump, and then for the FIRST TIME IN BACH HISTORY (maybe? im not sure) is asked to leave before he even gets the chance to hobble and flop on the carpet during the rose ceremony because it’s clear he’s “not here for the right reasons” (pour one out for the right reasons). I think his action of throwing his rose at the wall and knocking Kaitlyn’s picture off clued them into that one. Bye bye frat boy, i’m a bit sad cuz you made for rather exciting 10 minutes out of 90…

I can’t even tell you who get’s picked. Because ABC is evil and is dragging this junk out for 3 hours and I have to wait until tonight to either high five a million angels and do the Kaitlyn won dance or lift my head out of my wine glass and slump through a season of hearing Brit go “Reeeeealllllyyyyyyy?” everytime someone says something nice to her that she already f-ing knows. I can’t with you. I CANT.

Who are you hoping wins? Team Kaitlyn? Or Team Butthead? I mean Brit?