The 7 Types of Moms at Open Gym

It’s winter. It’s cold out. The allure of the Christmas toys is just starting to wear off, meaning the toddler needs physical entertainment or he will seriously start bouncing off the walls. We started going to this weekly open gym at our local community center, and it’s great. There are BALLS and BALLS and some other play things and then, BALLS.

Each week they set it up a little bit differently, but for the most part, it’s the same. Kids fear change. So this probably helps eliminate tantrums by .00004%….approx. And just about each week, the same brood of kiddos are there. We’ve gone about three times now, and I’ve been conducting my research since about the first time I walked in the door…and each week, my theories are proven accurate.

I give you, the 7 types of moms you will find at an open gym or indoor play area”

1. The “My kid needs to be a star cheerleader or gymnast and we take this stuff SERIOUS so get off the balance beam NOW” Mom.

This lady, she’s the one over there in the corner with her three year old making her practice her liberty on a balance beam and constant forward rolls until the kids long, unkept blonde mane, is in KNOTS. Don’t even let your toddler THINK about joining in on this military regime fun. STRAIGHTEN THOSE ARMS…WATCH THOSE KNEES….DO YOUR JUMPS ONE MORE TIME OR NO COOKIES AT LUNCH….are just some of her favorite phrases.


2. The “This is MY TIME…all you other moms, please watch my kid for me, thanks” Mom.

This lady, she’s the one who is there, off to the side, sitting on the rolled up giant fruit loop, on the phone, paying ZIPPO attention to her kid that just propelled himself into the big donut hole from about three feet away. This is her time. She paid her five dollars, and by golly she is going to get $5 worth of uninterrupted candy crush and hope to the toddler gods that her child doesn’t break anything. This is the lady you will find me glaring at as her kid kicks my son in the head because well WHOSE TELLING HIM NOT TO. Also, she owns the kid that is constantly saying “WATCH ME MOMMY” 1,432 times…..blergh.



3. The “Plastics” Moms.

This is the group of moms who stand around and chat it UP. If Starbucks coffees were allowed in the gym, they’d have them tucked into their pretty manicured hands as they smile at their kiddos from a “Safe distance away” because they encourage “independent, free range play”. Which is great, kudos to you Regina George and your minions of pretty people, but see, you intimidate me, and so therefore…you make the list, unless you want to invite me into your social group of cool, then we can talk about your future prospects on said list. Until then, LISTED, I’ll just be over here trying to look cool until you invite me over…



4. The “My kids the bully but I dont notice it” Mom.

I always had fears that my kid MIGHT be the bully kid. He can be a bit of a grouchy jerk if he’s tired or like ya know, being himself, but when I see him interact with other kids, phew, I think so far we’ve made it without him being the BULLY. This kid, he steals the toys, he flops on everything, he runs around like a banshee, he teaches your kids the BAD ANNOYING HABITS YOU SPEND THE NEXT WEEK TRYING TO BREAK, he yells, he doesn’t share, he just sucks. And his mom? Well, in my opinion she probs sucks to cuz well, genetics, but she just ain’t caring. Yo lady, your kid just stole the soccer ball my son was waiting patiently to play with and now his megawatt cries are echoing throughout the gym, FIX THIS.


5. The “My kids too young to be here but what do I care” Mom.

Ok, this may have been me before. I was desperate to have Luke get out and experience the world before he could even walk, and so I feel this mamas pain. But in a situation like this where you are battling the bully kid, Mary Lou Retton 3.0, and your own kid, it’s hard to watch out for your teeter tottering 10 month old while you take 542 videos on your iPhone.

6. The ” I have 30% of the children here and they ALL LOOK ALIKE” Mom.

Did I teleport to Salt Lake City Utah? Why is there always the one mom who has 19 kids and they all look a like and there names all end in Y or something cheesy like that? This is also the mom that is either walking around with one kid attached to her boob for mid morning snackies (kudos to your coordination) while disciplining one, and then making you feel all inferior because you can’t get your ONE child to listen to you about not playing in the water fountain for the 20th time…which he learned from the BULLY KID. IT NEVER ENDS.


7.The “I’m an introvert so I’m just gonna play with my own kid and maybe smile at your kid sometimes” Mom.

This is me. End of story.



So that’s it ya’ll, have you come across any other very identifiable species of open gym mamas that I haven’t encountered yet?!

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