um, hello?

Are you there? Knock knock? Person who used to write this thing…HELLO?!


Oh…right…that’s me.

giphy (1)


I’ve just been living in a world of weather depression, too much mickey mouse clubhouse, and recently…grossness.

We’ve added 2 new badges to the “parenting sash of greatness” recently.

Number 1:

My first tub turd.

Number 2:

The pukes.

giphy (2)

If you are jealous of either of these things, there is something just wrong with you…you can have these badges, I’d rather have the “Worlds Youngest Reader” or ” Fastest Baby Eater” or something like that…but no…I got tub turd..and midnight pukes.

Number 1 came in the form of a horrifying experience where I’m holding my naked poopy butt kid up in the air as I use one of his bath toys to scoop the squishy muffin of poop into the toilet…I now know what the poop looks like coming OUT…not just what it looks like…ya know…after. Why did I need to know that God…why…WHY?

Number 2 came to us last night…Homeboy started crying around 11:50 last night…10 minutes later and I woulda thought it was a cruel april fools trick he was playing on us (cuz he knows the calendar like that). I slump into the bedroom to a wall of vomit smell that woke me up faster than any of those stupid smelling salts probably could, I think I now know what the worst smell in the world is…it was that…And there was the baby…sitting…crying…surrounded by the remains of lunch and dinner that day…with most of it in his hair…like…plastered in his hair…

So, of course I think I screamed “Oh Lord” 10 times when inside I was probably screaming other obscenities, picked up vomit hair kid, threw him in the tub, hub removed the vomit soaked sheets, bears, blankets…and this continued for roughly 2 hours…There are more gross details…like the fact that apparently it takes us a long time to digest grapes…homie had those for lunch and they still looked as whole and purpley as they did at lunch time…that’s gross…but it’s true…they looked like purple sausages…alright i’m stopping.

Oh and then this morning I caught spewed bananas in my hand…and so did the couch.

So if you are thinking of ya know coming by today…ya know…don’t…it’s for ya own good. But if you’d like to send me a years supply of lysol wipes of febreeze…that’d be nice :).



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