I applaud ABC for their masterful editing to make it seem like Juan Pablo was a giant d-bag to all 3 girls on the fantasy suite date…Kudos…You masterful manipulators you.

I settled in last night, expecting an evening of just utter drama and sob-festness. Instead, I got 3 really boring make-out sessions and one self-involved girl who is grumpy that Juan Pablo doesn’t know her religion. SNOOOOREEEEEEE.

First up, my biyah Clare.

Of course she shows up rocking and ready to mingle. Clare…lord I hate you. You make my blood boil and my toes curl. I find your perfect teeth completely distracting and the fact that you never look Juany in the eye, but just keep twitching around drives me INSANEEEEEEEEE.

The first part of their date is taking a trip on an illegal drug trade boat…no joke…what it looks like. Then they get on a yacht where the camera crew keeps giving close ups of Clare’s butt…no joke.

The funny part is, Clare tries to make us believe she’s not going to do the fantasy suite because she’s already been caught being loosey goosey….ha…nice try. After a dramatic monologue which JP heard no word of because he just kept staring at her boobs, she agrees. Shocker.

They go back to the fantasy suite smush room , have a lovely evening, they’re so in love, she’s all smitten kitten, she thinks she’s gonna win. YOU ARE BORING.

Fast forward (let’s come back to Andi), we get to fringy tits Nikki. Um…WHAT WAS SHE WEARING?

Did she know she was going horseback riding? You know what makes for great horse riding gear? A gold fringy bikini top and a pair of curtains she pulled off her hotel room for pants. Saddle up, you’re about to get some booty bruises.

They trot around the beach…they stop to have a “picnic” (no one eats EVER), they frolic in the ocean, Nikki rocks the two different color bikini top and bottom trend, her hairs all ratted, it’s romantic.

No question, homegirl is taking the fantasy suite. She barely blinks before saying YESSSSSS.

She tells JUAN she LOVES him. Not just “falling in love”, LOVES HIM. He sweats from being uncomfortable. ACTUALLY SWEATS. NOT A GOOD SIGN NIKKI.

…ok enough of the lame blondies….ANDI’S DATE.

It starts off…lovely.

They are walking hand and hand through a really poor village in St. Lucia. They stop and eat some chicken. They offer local kids food and they say NO MAN I DONT KNOW YOU DONT FEED ME. So instead, they creepily give them this weird neon yellow drink. Somehow they start playing soccer on the sand with no shoes on…cuz they’re such free spirits….mmhmm.

Juan Pablo has some special surprise for Andi where he makes her ride in this land buggy thing and takes her into the jungle…again…she’s been on this date before…wheres the creativity dude?? They come up to another “picnic” next to a water fall. They don’t eat anything, but they do canoodle under the waterfall again…deja vu date anyone?

Later that night, Juany boy tells Andi he was “concerned about something she said”…I think he knows what the word concerned means. Apparently her saying she wanted to “fall in love so badly”…tells him she would force herself to fall in love with someone. Cuz ya know, that’s possible. She clears the air, they make out, she takes the fantasy suite…all seems well…

The next morning, Juan is all happy. He loves Andi, he thinks it went great, he wants to marry her, he thinks shes the bees knees…SCREEEECH.

ANDI DISAGREES WITH ALL OF THAT JANX.

I really thought the drama was going to be about him trying to get too physical with her…or something along those lines…nope…Andi is one cranky mo-fo because he talks too much about himself and doesn’t care enough to let her finish HER stories because he has stories of his own. Well darn. That’s just terrible.

Oh, and he talked about his over night with Clare in the other smush room… Oops.

Basically, Andi needs someone who is going to shower her with attention and just listen to all of her nasally stuffy nose word vomit. Good luck honey.

Honestly, I feel bad for her. It does stink to have “wasted” 2 months getting free vacations and flirting with a guy whom you thought you liked, but realized…after spending more than 4 hours with him, that you find him annoying…like ya know, in real life.

Instead of sticking around for the rose ceremony, Andi meets one on one with bumble bee linen shirt clad Juan Pablo in her best lacey shorts and let’s him HAVE it.

She doesn’t really hold back. She calls him a A$$HOLE, she claims he used the word “Default” which spurs a 10 minute conversation about how it’s not a part of his vocabulary (because he doesn’t know what it means), she says hes selfish because he doesn’t listen to her enough, and she gets furious of the fact that he thinks everything is “OK”.

Woman, what is he gonna do? Convince someone who doesn’t like him to stay? NO. IT IS OK YOU DONT LIKE HIM. ITS FINE. ITS BEEN 2 MONTHS. NO BIG DEAL. ITS OOOKKKKKKKK.

I felt for him (shocking I know), I totes knew where he was coming from, and this chick was looking for him to just argue with him like her defendants or something. He’s not paying you to argue for him or with him, just bow out nicely so you can be the next bachelorette and no one will get hurt.

In the end, she scoots, because even if she wanted to stay, her arguing over the word “Default” was enough to make JP hate her guts.

It’s down to the two blondes…the one who is a spawn of satan…and the one who is too perfect it kinda makes my eyes twitch from annoyance.

At this point…I’m kind of pulling for Clare, because I think JP is a nasty, weird person, and he deserves some one just as nasty and weird as he is…oh and that sister n law Laura…he needs to have to deal with that forever.

But then, if he picks Nikki…maybe shell rock a fringy bridal dress with a really messy braid…that could be funny…

Sigh…

Next week the ladies get together for a giant, made for tv bitchfest…sign me up.