HOMEEEE TOWNNNNNN DATE.
The week is finally here. The week where we finally get to meet all the peeps these 4 lovely ladies have been word vomitting about for the past 8 weeks. The people who are so important to these girls that they just left them for a month to be on a TV show to find love. Let’s get the awkwardness started shall we? Let’s go.
We start in Kansas City with Nikki. Poofy blonde with brown eye brows and a taste for the salty. I was pretty darn sure she was just going to take Juan Pablo to her work so she could show him again how much she loves da sick kiddies. This date marked the first appearance of the Juan Pablo Henley date outfit. He LOVES a henley.
Nikki takes JP to a barbecue joint…he had no clue what that word even meant…he also didn’t even know how to eat barbecue…how about like normal food…with your mouth? He had a thing for the spicy BBQ sauce…he talked bout it a lot…and he put it on everything…JP likes da spicey.
Next up, a electronic bull riding joint. Nikki just wanted to watch him awkwardly thrust on an electronic death trap with his red spicy shoes on and too tight henley. He looked about as comfortable as Sharleen on any of their dates…not at all. The point of this date was for Nikki to but him through the ringer to see if he was “Cowboy enough for her”…he’s from Venezuela, loves soccer, and doesn’t know what BBQ is…it’s not looking good for you honey.
Nikki thinks she loves the JP. Nikki doesn’t say it… Nikki huffs in despair…Nikki is so boring. Nikki’s family is LOADED.
They casually walk up to a typical mid-west mansion with giant white pillars and a fancy driveway. Her mom is proof that Nikki is not spose to be blonde…the gig is up. Her family was all sorts of disgustingly nice. This family is not real. Either they have a secret sex swing in a closet somewhere or they pinch themselves to feel pain, this family is ridiculous. Snoozetown population this family. LAMMMMEEEEEEE.
Let’s move on to Andi whose family is all sorts of skeptical and good television.
HELLO HOT LANTA.
I was also pretty sure Andi would take JP to the local jail where he could meet some of her recent inmates she sent away to the big house. They’d chat over some nice jail cafeteria food and he will be all “what is this mushy stuff you call food”?
They go to a shooting range instead.
What says “Welcome home!” like watching one of your girlfriends school you in the art of shooting…shooting ranges apparently aren’t a big thing in Venezuela. But ya know what is a big thing? Really ugly shirts with different colored sleeves so it looks like you’re wearing a t-shirt vest. Those are big.
Before they go in Andi’s all “you’ve made me do some crazy things…like soccer, dancing, karaoke”…since when are those considered CRAZY things?? A sport played by millions is a crazy thing? Something that nearly everyone on the planet does to have fun is crazy? Singing is crazy? Andi’s definition of crazy is skeweeeeed.
Basically, Andi wants to see if she’ll be able to protect them from all the people she’s sent to jail after they get out and they want revenge. She’s looking for a security guard. JP kinda failed. He no good at the shooting. He missed about 676 times before hitting 1 on the paper…just 1…his aim is terrible…is that what the drama is over in the fantasy suite tonight?!! Gah, can’t wait.
Tangent: Andi always sounds like she has a stuffy nose…like always…can someone hand the woman a tissue? It drives me crazy…CRAZY.
Andi’s dad, hates the Pabs. His name is Hy. Hi HY. When they walk in, its one of those awkward situations when no one really greets JP but just hugs stuffy nose Andi. They call her Pookie…like a cat. Meow. JP just stands there clapping like a kid waiting for ice cream on their birthday.
They start the conversation talking about how he didn’t take Andi on a solo date until like 6 weeks in….STUPID. What better way to impress the parents then by saying you didn’t want to take their daughter on a one on one date for like a month. STUPID. EL STUPIDO. Hy is not into this. He’s doing the math. He can count. 8 girls left, no solo date for his lady. HE CRANKY.
Totes agree, if I were the dad, I’d be a lil cranky about why he wouldn’t have chosen my daughter for the first one on one date as well. JP…digging that hole super deep.
Hy is legit. He’s not willing to give up the approval while this dude is still dating 3 other ladies. He wants the guy who marries his daughter to want only her, like a normal father should. Andi’s sister is also a dream crusher buzzkill. She sees what everyone elses sees, that these two have really awkward “chemistry” and it doesn’t seem natural at all. But he thinks shes hot…which is what he told da mama. Smart.
No better representation of this then when they are leaving and you can just see in his body language he wants to get OUTTA there. He’s awkward. They sit on the bench outside and he looks like he wants to lift his fist into the sky and jet away like superman. He’s backing up to get into the car with every kiss. Eeeeeeeeeeckkkk. Booooooo. Yuckkkkkkk.
It’s time to visit Renee in Flo Rida.
There are about to be two men in Renee’s life at one time. Juan Pablo…and Ben, the 8 year old wonder boy whom was left behind with his grandparents while his mama scurried around the country to find trwu wuv. Renee really dressed up for this occasion with a sliced t-shirt and her normal beach hair…(not).
Juan Pablo shows up…in a tshirt henley, HENLEY, and scurries down the beach like a fairy in a childrens story. They go to Ben’s baseball game. Do we think Juan is a lil jealous of her talking about another boy so much? He’s all cute and runs up to his mama who is sitting on a blanket with a strange latin man. He rocks some pink socks and is all cool with the PDA from his mama, which is admirable. Gotta admit, the three of them together…look natural. I got into it. I could see it. He let Juan Pablo feel his muscles…that’s weird…but cute in some weird way.
They go to meet Renee’s family, and he is dressed to impress…with the same henley tshirt as before…CMON. Renees mom looks like the Barbara Streisand character from Meet the Fockers without the curly weave.
The first few moments were reminders to Renee that shes an absent parent. DIDN’T meet the coach. DIDN’T know her kid was wearing bands for karate. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? Oh right…kanoodaling with a latin man across the globe.
Her mom compares Renees love to puppy love. She giggles. She basically called Juan Pablo a dog…woof woof.
SOMEONE GIVE RENEE A HAIR BRUSH AND SOME SHAMPOO. GAHHHH.
FINALLY THE KOOKOO BIRD WEVE BEEN WAITING FOR.
Clare’s clan in California.
The youngest one of 6 with proven daddy issues is up to bat.
They start off the date with in a rose garden…and Clare has to remind them that they’re in her home…cuz she lives in a rose garden? Syke, you don’t. We know we’re in your hometown you spaz.
Fakey teeth and sassy sneakers spend the day feeding the ducks. Nothing says romance like goose poop and stale bread crumbs.
They sit on a bench, she sits on him like shes talking to Santa Claus. She never looks him in the eye when she talks to him. NEVER. All shes does is look away, lick her lips, stick her tongue into her teeth, and be annoying. Is there a worse person on the planet? Mmmm. Nope.
She tells this story about how her dad told her to chuck rocks really far away from her when she misses him. Meaning he never wanted to be closer than a stones throw away from her? What a guy.
Clare’s family….is a hodgepodge of estrogen. Her mom speaks spanish, her sisters range from troll like to semi-hot. They range from normal acting to ducking psycho control freaks. Run JP…RUN!
They talk about how slutty Clare is over the dinner table…nice conversation. At least her family knows who they’re dealing with.
The trolliest sister is all protective of “mommy” and won’t let her use her own words to talk about anything. She’s the puppet master apparently. She also is super jealous of Clare and it’s COMPLETELY clear. They treat Clare like shes a porcelain baby (that has porcelain teeth). I don’t get this family. I don’t get why he likes her. Shes a festering psycho time bomb about ready to explode. BOOM.
At the end of all of this, if I hadn’t of seen the previews, I woulda sworn Andi was going home…but thank you to ABC, we all knew that at least Nikki and Andi were safe…I thought maybe….just maybe…Clare was gone…and I could do a happy dance of joyyyyy…
But no…the henley loving idiot sent Renee home. He realized she was too good for him and that he deserved white trash instead. Glad he realized that. You suck JP…. SUCK.
Tonight…shiz goes down. JP apparently tells Andi she barely made it through to the fantasy date and something a-hole happens basically on every girls dates…cuz EVERYONE BE CRYING. Stay tuned for part 2 of this insane week of the Juan Pablo suck-fest. Pour a lil out for my girl Renee….please….get a stylist. Love ya, mean it.