This weeks recap will come in the form of Juan Pablos diary entry…
Querido Diario (Dear Diary)-
Hola mi amigo! We are in Miami! I am so excited to get to see mi familia and most importantly my numero uno KAHMEELAAAAA. It was fun to fake drive around the city and pull up to the house and only pull 1/2 way into the driveway so that I parked awkwardly on an incline. I like to do that, but you already know that diario…because you are my true amigo.
I am down to dating seis damas (6 beautiful ladies). They are all really different, I have some cracked out nut cases, a normal single mom with a bad haircut, and one lady who seems completely disinterested in me unless it consists of lip smoochies. Oh diary, I hope Sharleen likes me. Even though she is always TOTES AWKWARD AROUND ME DIARY. Like, Ok.
I gave her the solo date card diary, and she did that awkward “deer in the headlights” as the Americans say reaction…it’s like she forgets shes on this show to date me diary, me, the Juananatorrrrrrrrrrr. Shouldn’t she be giddy like a school girl eating a churro???
Our date was on a boat and we went fast andddd we got a nautical themed pashmina afghannnn (remember that song diary? that andy samberg…what a funny guy). We kissed. She said I was trouble. I pretended like I didn’t know what this “Trouble” word meant. I know what it means diary…just like “bolt”…these women think I’m dumb diary, but only you know how smart I really am. We made smoochie smoochie on the boat in the sunshine. It was nice day.
I basically asked her if she would give up her career for me and KAHMEELAH…she said yes and then we kissed again and she tosseled my hair. I saved one of my favorite teal silk dress shirts for my date with Sharleen, you know the one diary…it’s the closure shirt…the ladies dig it. It has mundo. Mi amor Sharleen es perfecto…she even lets me bite her face…this girl is great.
Diary, am I being silly? Whenever I ask Sharleen about bringing me into her life…she gets super awkward, shes like the mayor of awkward town. She got all strange when talking about her family so I just commented her on her smile and stopped listening to her words…it’s easier for me to play stupid. I think she likes it. But sometimes I feel like i’m just a doll she can make out with…the juan-a make out doll…not sold in stores.
My second date diary, nurse nikki…the heiress of black roots and fluffy blonde hair. She showed up wearing what looked like a floral bathrobe. It was sassy…SASSY DIARY. I drop the ball that I am taking her to KAHMEELAHs dance recital where shes about to meet the baby mama….she looked like she was going to shizza in her pantzahhh diary. I enjoyed it (maniacal laugh). Bring on the boas and the uncomfortable social situations….I am PUMPED DIARY.
I sat back and I watched Nikki interact with mi familia, and made her wish happy birthday to my stunningly gorgeous ex wife. I’m a nice guy diary….a nice guy. But, she told my daughter she tasted like cheetos…CHEETOS DIARY!??! My daughter tastes like sunshine and roses…not cheetos…but I got over it because later she wore a miami call girls outfit with a fringey skirt and a cut up tshirt with no bra on. I also noticed she has a weird bird tattoo on her back…I wonder what spring break trip she got that one on diary? My sweaty back problem was in full force on this date though diary, the botox injections must be wearing off…mental note: schedule back sweat botox appointment.
After my date with Nikki….my heart broke a little inside diary. (and mine too, this is lindsey, because I flipping wanted her to winnnnnnnn). I got another knock on the door…and at first I was like…oh no…NOT ANOTHER OCEAN SEXY DATE. But then….sitting there in my sweatshirt with ridiculously large strings…my perfect skin Sharleen….told me she was leaving…I attempted to shut her up with my kissing again…but she just kept TALKING. I tried my “look at me trick”….and I tried to tell her to stop the f crying because i’d get angry…but in the end…she left me. We mumbled some whispers at each other close enough that we could smell what each other ate for dinner. I cried like a school girl in my interview diary, wearing my bright red flippies…I weeped…I am so sensitive diary…but you already know that.
I took the girls to the beach today so I could see dem in their ugly swim shoes and caftans. Chelsie brought out a weird stack of neon letters from her mom and dad and made me read them. Andi and I strolled on the beach where she got all emotional AGAIN. All this woman does is cry. ALL SHE DOES IS CRY DIARY. How am I ever going to get to the smoochie smoochie when her face is all leaky?? She keeps talking about how she is a “Tough shell”, I had to look that up later diary, it means hard to crack apparently like a turtle…but she cries ALL THE TIME. I’m getting really tired of this crazed damas who are constantly seeking assurance…my solution? Squish their cheeks and give them the latin tongue magic.
Claire…claire claire claire. We’ve talked about her before diary. Shes the slutty one that has the fluffy boobs that I like a lot. She says “like” a lot and twitches her head around. It’s distracting. She also pushes her tongue up against her teeth like way too much…she talked about her daddy AGAIN.
I gave Andi the group date rose…she brought it on our date to the cheesy latin music club…she didn’t bring a purse or anything…but she brought the darn rose that she held all night long…little cheesy, even for me diary. She also can’t dance diary…awkward rose holder that can’t dance…where is this gonna go? Yo no se.
During the rose cocktail night (I like that word diary), I can sense that the girls are getting a bit catty, gato like, meow. I sensed that claire and nikki, are not amigas. I wouldn’t mind seeing a bit of hair pulling…could be interesting….could be. Da damas finally wore colors I can get on board with, they all looked like members of the miami sound machine backup singers. COME ON SHAKE YOUR BODY LET ME DO DA CONGAAAAA.
In the end diary, it was a tough choice. I left them in their circle of catty eyes and glares to go off and decide who I was totes not interested in meeting their families and making awkward small talk with over cupcakes. I mean I like cupcakes diary, remember that time I ate 15 cupcakes and then got sick…meh, nevermind, you remember.
I sent Chelsie home. She’s cute and all. But shes a bambino. She also was the only one NOT wearing a miami color…DID SHE NOT READ MY MEMO?? I leaked a lil out my eyes…just for extra drama, you know how the producers like it. She was super hot, really bubbly, and nice. But in the end, ta ta for now.
Next week, I get to go to all my ladies home towns, meet their mamas and papas, and learn how dorky and adorable they all were as babies. I’m excited diary. I hope I can dig up some ugly braces pictures and figure out who was the nerd in middle school or who was the captain of the chess team…I bet Andi has some dorky skeletons in her closet…we shall see diary.
Til next time mi amigo.