The Bachelor Recap Week 6 ::Juan-a go home?::

8 girls left +1 mumbling Venezuelan dumb dumb= One awkward situation.

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Da girlies skid addle from Vietnam to New Zealand (upgrade) for a week of sheep, green, big bouncing balls, and hobbits. Just like every other week…we start…with a one on one date. Now, these chicks can do the math (or so it appears that they can), everyone has had a solo date, cept Andi…but for some reason crazy face Clare thinks its only fair that she gets this date because she needs to “talk things over with Juan Pablo” aka make HIM apologize to HER for HER being a dirty tramp. Makes sense right? No. Not at all. I think producers gave this date to Andi so she would FINALLY STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT HAVING A ONE ON ONE.

They go…to the “squeeze”. Ha, the innuendo jokes I could make….moving on. The squeeze is a claustrophobics nightmare…aka mine. Juany P leads Andi through the cold water in between the tiniest lil crevices of rock covered in mossy, slippery grass. I’d rather jab myself in the eye with a spork. But, Andi trusts him…she likes him…she’s willing to get herself stuck in between a mossy mountain for this man…trueeeeee wuv. But ya know what lives at the end of this hell hole of a hallway? A waterfall…with hot water. It looked more to me like producers were just taking buckets of warm water and throwing it on them…but sure…well believe its natural. ::psht::

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They snog. They cuddle. They get wet. It’s all very original and romantic. ::snore::. They move on to their dinner on top of a geyser…spitting cold water…at night…who came up with this pea brained idea? Of course one of the geysers is going to go off on them…did someone think they’d just giggle and stick it out? Cuz they didn’t, Andi complained that her hair was wet and the weird meat kabobs got soggy so they left. Soggy meat kabobs and wet, droopy hair does not a romantic evening make.

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BACK AT THE HOUSE.

The moms are at it again. They miss their bambinos. And Cassandra wants Renee to make her feel better so she can stick around longer and steal her main squeeze. Renee agrees. Because Renee…well we’ve been through this before, is the token tissue holder advice giver of the house. The “special ones” ( as Juan calls them since they have brought intelligent life into this world) have a connection. They like each other. It’s sweet. Cassandra lets us know its her birthday the next day…shell be 22…because shes a fetus. She lets us know this no less than 15 times…that is her birthday…that shell be 22…that it’s her birthday…that the best gift will be a rose or a one on one date…because it’s her birthday….::groan::.

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Everyone but Clare, GOD I HATE YOU CLARE, gets to go on the group date, meaning Clare gets the other one on one date….FFFFFFFFFFF. What do you do with 6 girls in New Zealand where its kinda chilly and windy? Well you take them to a grassy knoll, have a “picnic” where no one eats and then make them all wear bathing suits and roll down the hill in an inflatable death ball. A few take aways from this:

  1. Sharleens wardrobe is seriously out of this world…a fringey one piece in powder blue?? Homegirl has mundo.
  2. Chelsie is trying too hard…way too hard
  3. Nikki, will make out with anyone anywhere, even if that means sucking face as you roll down a big hill in a water balloon…shell do it
  4. Renee has no problem throwing sheep poop to get a rose…no problem at all
  5. Apparently this was the best day of all of their lives, um…what about the day you gave birth to your kids ladies?! A day where you’re on a polygamist date with a guy whose bathing suit is showing massive coin slotness is the best day of your life? Tragic.
  6. Juan Pablo has clearly forgotten ALL about his no make out rule…that was a week 4/5 rule…week 6 means no talky, tongue tango all the time.

They cocktail party that evening was at…wait for it…Hobbiton. Are you thinking “is that where they filmed the hobbit” yes….yes it is. The only person that I truly believe had the attention span to watch those movies…was my homegirl Sharleen. Her adorable geek-out-ness proved it. Cassandra tried to pretend like she’d seen the movie by saying “oh its just like the movie, I remember thinking that the houses were under little hills”…really?…I can’t.

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Basically, Juan Pablos lizard tonque didn’t let ANYONE talk. He said “hi, how are you….SUCK FACE”. For everyone. As hard as Sharleen attempted to ya know…talk to the man…nope…unless that mouth is moving to open wide for the slimy monster of lickage, the alone time was over. I think ABC is attempting to sabotage our minds into thinking Sharleen and JP have no connection…she KEEPS getting the group date rose…and yet they edit them to be so awkward and her to seem so uninterested…if she ends up being the winner…thumbs up for the mind ducking ABC.

The rose has been given…you think the nights over…but JP wants to talk to Cassandra…outside…in the rain…under his 5 year olds see through plastic umbrella. Chelsie…girl…so sweet thinks he’s taking her outside to wish her happy birthday… ::snort:: HE SENDS HER HOME. He claims its because he wants her to get home ASAP to her son, which really means he doesn’t want to spend one more second with her young tall leggy hotness…Pour a little out for our girl Cassandra. Happy birthday, here’s some rejection with a bow on it.

The next day…we get….Clare.

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Her main objective for this date…get the man to apologize to her. Make her feel better for being a loosey goosey and be justified for her desire to swim in the ocean at 4 in the morning…

I don’t remember anything about this date because my brain is clouded with severe hatred for her. I think they were on some rocks…talking…and then they went back to his hotel and she wore mc hammer sweatpants and his latin brain nearly exploded from attraction. Even after she just sat there and told him that normally when something uncomfortable happens she wants to “bolt”…which is his new word of the day…Im starting to wonder if he understands anything she says ever…I think maybe her voice is at such an octave that he can’t hear it…all he sees is her fake teethy smile and push up bra boobs…

ROSEEEE DAY.

We know this is a boring episode because they fill about 10 minutes with JP staring at head shots of the ladies ( ya know, incase he forgets who they are) and a conversation with Chris Harrison. Sorry, can someone wake me up when someone goes home? Thanks.

Nikki and him share another awkward moment where she doesn’t look him in the eye and they make some stupid joke about what “a lot” means (again, cuz he doesn’t know). Sharleen rocks ANOTHER backless dress… seriously…it’s her trade mark. Chelsie just wants to not be forgotten. Renee rocks another butt part hair style. Clare gives everyone evil eyes and blinks a lot…and Kat….well…

Kat goes home. She thought she was safe. She thought she’d make herself safer by throwing in a story of her insane daddy issues and really sad family history stories…but too little too late. Daddy issues made him juan-a run for the hills. Into the limo of shame you go…I am slightly predicting this chick could be the next bachelorette….I dunno…just an idea.

We are left with Sharleen…crying…because she has a brain. She can sense that this situation is TERRIBLE. That she doesn’t think Juan understands her…because he doesn’t…seriously…he doesn’t understand English…and teasing us with her saying she’s giving it one more week and than shes going HOME. Please don’t go….Please….PLEASE SHARLEEN. DO IT FOR ME.

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And then…there were 5…and 1 escapee from the mental hospital of psychos (Clare).

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