The Bachelor Recap ::Week 5:: Do you JUAN a tissue?

The past few weeks…have just been one big warm up session to the big sob fest from doe eyed, nothing in the brain, shear (get it cuz shes a hair stylist) trampy, crazy town that is Clare. Hello Trampy Clare, so glad you could join us. You make for good TV amidst an INCREDIBLY BORING season of celebrated polygamy…bout time something exciting happened that didn’t involve lizard kissing and an awkward man dancing in v-necks….V-NECKS ALL THE TIME.

The episode starts with a zip zip trip to Vietnam…anyone else just keep thinking of the forrest gump part where he says…”They sending me to vietnam….it’s this whole other country…”

No? Just me? Thought so.

And guess whose up first? RENEE!! BOUT DARN TIME!

carlton-dance-gif.gif w=320&h=239 I thoroughly enjoy how they make it look like she’s just walking by herself from the house to the mysterious location where JP is patiently waiting for her arrival…even though we all know there was this conversation:

Producer: Ok go walk to the other side of that bridge…and walk across like you like you know where you’re going but look around casually like walking around in Vietnam is no big deal

Renee: ok, do I swing my hair at all?

Producer: sure…and if you can bounce a little…that’d be great

Renee: psht, totes mcgotes.

Juan producers come up with this idea that Renee will get a new dress made (cuz her shiz is boring)…can we talk about the shoes?? Is she 12? ::groan::

I think there was come agreement that on all solo dates the girls would wear shorts…Sharleen, Nikki, Chelsie, SHORTS EVERYWHERE. Does JP have a thing for jorts? I wouldn’t be surprised…he has a thing for vneck hoodies and bright colored shoes…so maybe he’s a niche kinda guy…jorts and jorts only.

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Basically this was an opportunity for Juan to see what her boob size is because he awkwardly gawked at the seamstress as she took Renee’s bust measurements….no joke. That happened.

This date was boring as fuzz, this couple is boring as fuzz, but I still think she’s a contender because ya know, they got kids, and kids unites all single parents together. So I’m still predicting a final four placement for droopy bad hair renee, CAN SOMEONE HELP HER?

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GROUP DATEEEEEE.

Andi is t.o’d she didn’t get the solo date…T.O’d. SO much so that she just decides to pout for most of the group date (in the fields picking food) until Juan notices her and dirty rushes her into the rose ceremony…Oh and then she sits on the group and gets a dirty butt. Yay Andi.

Sharleen rocks another backless outfit. Girlfriend must have the worlds perkiest fun bags that require no support…years of corsets while singing may be the solution we all need to rock some backless outfits…

Alli spends the group date getting whipped by the tail of an elephant. Tough break.

Kelly, is too busy missing her dog and making classic one liners to get out of the friend zone for JP.

Chelsie? She was there…rocking shorts…so she can stay another week.

Cassandra just floated around looking all skinny and hot, she probs dropped a booty drop to keep her NBA dancing skills in check when we weren’t looking.

Danielle? Who? Right…bye.

Clare…oh Clare. Clare has no friends in the house, because shes a trampy, man stealer. Everyone hates her. She should just eat worms. So when JP asks everyone to pair up for the weird boat rides…no one picks her…meaning she has to ride with Juany boy…sometimes having no friends is a good thing? Nice message ABC. CHICKS BEFORE D….(family blog censorship). He rows them into the weeds so he can basically molest her mouth with his lizard tongue. These two are 90% lust 10% eyebrow wiggles and 0% actual chemistry…but because he’s scared of her, because she is scary…SCARY…she gets the group date rose…crushing Andi’s dreams….sorry Andi. Just send her to jail some day for indecent exposure…

…and then…it happens.

Trampy Clare pitter patters her way to Juan Pablos “suite” at 1 in the morning when he’s all hoodied up and ready for a nice of hoodie sleeping in his big lonely bed. She tap taps on the door and surprises the man so much so that he just follows his brain not brain and the two scurry into the deep, dark, choppy ocean at 1 in the morning…with no lifeguard…WHERES THE ABC SPONSORED LIFEGUARD?

JP nor Clare ever confirm or deny that they got a lil humpy bumpy in the ocean or post-ocean or whatever, but ABC would like you to believe…they did…so that they can then have JP turn all “Daddy like” on Clare the next day and CRUSH HER LITTLE DREAMS OF HAVING THE UPPERHAND. The mechanics of it just didn’t seem to add up to me…that ocean was choppy….there’s just no way…but SOMETHING happened, and this episode is now sponsored by KY Jelly.

Next day, after his late night romp in the ocean, JP gets to go on a date, with another woman…Nikki. He takes her on a hike…she’s wearing Jorts…MORE JORTS…they come upon a deep dark cave of emotions….he and Nikki hurl themselves down the cave (my friends husband made the classic one liner…”he was in someone elses cave last night”….::snort::). She cries cuz shes scared…he saves the day by whispering in her ear….she loves him…they kiss infront of weird dragon statues…she rocks a fluffy braid…her Jorts keep her safe…she gets a rose…she talks about her job…AGAIN…they smooch…she goes back to the house and sleeps with her rose under her pillow…the end.

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ROSE NIGHT.

Renee finally gets her lizard kiss. She hops around like a child after going to see the Frozen Sing A Long for the 10th time. Her hair is still droopy and could use a sponsorship from a voluminous shampoo, but I like her…shes legit…and ya know who she didn’t support while they were crying because they just got told they were too slutty for ones daughter…CLARE.

CLARE GETS HER HAND SLAPPED BY JP FOR BEING TOO OPEN AND VULNERABLE aka…having a first class ticket on the hoe bag express. WHATEVER (cough sexy shmexy time) happened…JP was NOT comfortable with it…NOT AT ALL. He went as far to say that slutty mcslutterson disrespected KAHMEEELAHHH. CARDINAL SIN OF POTENTIAL STEP PARENT LAND. Clare runs away and cries…claiming allergies…and no one questions it because no one likes her…and if she does have allergy they all want her eyes to balloon up and then they can stab her with an epi pen…win win all around.

This night is one big slice of awkward pie, no one knows why Clares allergies are so bad all of a sudden, no one cares, they just want to see more of JP, but he’s too busy whispering things like “its ok, i was uncomfortable, it happened, but its ok, but its really not, because I have a daughter…”

KAHMEELAHHHHH.

Snooze.

Alli, Danielle, and Kelly go home. Pour a little out for my girls with the one liners…but you never had solo dates…so what’d ya expect…your dogs gonna be happy to see ya Kelly…the one true love of your life.

Next week…something cray cray happens and Sharleen threatens to go home…whose shocked by this? anyone? bueller?

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Another three bite the dust….

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