Six Stages At The Little Gym: A rookies introduction to toddler gym class

On Luke’s birthday, I mooched off an offer for one free class at TheLittle Gym…ya know that business that charges a buttload of money for your kid to suck on mats, get colds, maybe athletes foot, and “work out”….oh and socialize run away from with other kids…all for the low introductory price of $500 for 4 months…::choke::


But, first class is free… meaning I get to come, not pay anything, and then deal with you calling me to sign up for 3 months? oh yea, I’d like to sign up for that headache, because I’m an adventurous soul.

I was not super prepared for what I was getting myself into…I was introduced to a world…beyond all worlds. A world where a grown man sings songs and wears bright orange day glow t-shirts and ducking LOVES IT. A world where you’re the outcast for not wearing socks because you didn’t know about the no shoe rule, ROOKIEEEEEE. A world where you actually let your kid crawl on everything…and then you take them home and they start to crawl on things and they get in trouble…and then they cry…cuz they are so damn confused!! A world where it smells like feet and diapers and no one seems to notice a thing…A world where moms roll up fresh as a daisy, with makeup and their hair did and wearing lululemon work out gear for The Little Gym (NOT ME). A world where your kids are called things like BEASTS and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING. My kid was in the bird class…even though he was the size of a turkey compared to the other pigeons….still a bird tho…tweet tweet.

Basically, I’ve broken down a Little Gym class in 6 easy to follow stages….


First you get there, you’re the new kid, people like you, they want your money, they want you to take your shoes off…um, wait…where was this in the introductory email…I NEED WARNING.

Then, they let your kids into the big room of ringworm mats and say, have fun for just 3 minutes…and then I want you to bring your kid back to sit quietly and participate…what are you nuts?!

Look at that he owns that doughnut.
Look at that smugness…like he owns that doughnut.

Oh oh, then…the singing…the introductory song…where if someone else has your kids name you groan because you have to sing the same thing TWICE…even though you know your kids personality is duckloads better than that kid with the weird caillou tshirt on, but since you’re going second…it’s now lame. THIS HAPPENED TO US. So you sing, you shake rattles, they ask for the rattles back, a kid mine cries because they ducking love rattles, you help them walk…and if your kid can’t walk, which we can’t yet,  this is a way to bring you down the Little Gym food chain..and then they bring out the darn parachute…the rainbow blanket of death. They put the kids in the center, and then we, the responsible parents, spun it around, causing them all to fall into one another…YAY EXERCISE. (jk, it was fine, and Luke lost his ducking mind over this).

Then….it happens. “Orange you glad I’m your teacher” says, let’s go play on all the fancy gymnastic equipment…and he makes you hold your kid on a balance beam, and hurl them into a doughnut hole, or let them crawl up a steep incline and not fall off, or have them hang on a bar, or rings, or all those things that ya know trained athletes fall off of at the olympics and bust legs on….all Luke wanted to do was crawl up the stairs and pull up on things…ya know…all things we have at home…FOR FREE.

…can someone translate this morris code he’s spittin?

After a toto of maybe 20 minutes of actual gym time, they call ya back to the big mat of boring for ball time and bubbles….bubbles…MY KID LOVES BUBBLES AND IF YOU TAKE THEM AWAY HE’S GOING TO CRY BUT YOU DONT CARE BECAUSE THEN CLASS IS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRR. BUBBLESSSSSS FOR EVERYONE.

Bubble soap is everywhere. Class is over. Go get your shoes. And attempt to leave without paying money…oh, but I want that free water bottle you are gonna give me…yea…that one…gimme!

All kidding aside, Luke actually really liked it, yes I admit it,….and it tired him the hey-a out. I can see it being a zillion times more beneficial when he can actually walk and participate more, so its not something were into right now…but stay tuned for future editions of AT THE LITTLE GYM where Luke probably gets caught trying to lay one on the cute girl in class behind the balance beam… 🙂


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