The Bachelor Recap:: Week 4:: Seoul Juanderful

Get it…Seoul…cuz they were in South Korea…and Juanderful cuz his names Juan and it sounds like “won”….heh….heh….heh….

Last night was a collection of hot mess city. HOT MESS.

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The gaggle of geese are told they are going to South Korea!! And we all know that 90% of them had no clue where they were going and clearly thought they were going to Japan…Stage five clinger Clare validated this when she shouted “I don’t even have a Kimono!”…Really? You don’t have a kimono? Was that on your “don’t forget to pack list” when you came on the show? Or you just forget to grab one from your Clares Kimono Closet before you left…what is wrong with you woman. Someones been spending too much time sniffing the hair toner…

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Before we follow the dames on their 12 hour flight to Korea, which I have to ask, are they all on the SAME flight, or does JP have to fly by himself so that the girls don’t spend 12 hours attempting to fluff his pillow or bring him a hot towel…just a random thought. It always appears as if he’s a lone wolf who has no friends and is segregated in a glass case of juan-ness that biyahs are trying to crack into. Like when he was just strolling around the market place ‘by himself’ with a pack of camera men  to eat weird food and giggle at the locals. Tangent.

So anywhoo, before we leave, Juan Pablo has to pick his daughters wedgie (Im not kidding, he really did), gives her a smoochie smoochie and says “PEACE OUT KAHMEELA IM GONNA GO EAT SOME OCTOPUS AND SNOG SOME LADIES FOR YA CUZ I LOVE YOU”…

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Welcome to Korea Ladies! I hope you packed your hot pink lip stick, fake blue hair extensions, and 10 foot high platform shoes with fish in them because it’s about to get REAL.

GROUPPPPPPP DATEEEEEE.

Do you know whats fun? Picking a bunch of blonde chicks, and one brunette, to go and be backup dancers for a Korean Pop (K-Pop for the lay person) group at a mall. Is it 1999? Is this the opening act for 3Lw or Bewitched? Who has concerts in a mall anymore?! Koreans apparently; who knew. The girls all pretend to be so excited to meet them, even though they have no clue what K-pop is, who these girls are, or even what they are saying…

They should call this episode “Kat was once a stripper but is disguising it as just having dance skills”. Homegirl thought she had it going onnnn. She nearly gave herself whiplash from all the gyrating, hair flipping, and toe tapping. She clearly was under the impression that whoever dances the best (which btdubs honey, Cassandra was an NBA dancer aka a dancer that dances in the daytime, she wins) gets that rose. HAH. Silly child.

I think producers thought this was a good idea simply by the fact that it would have a bunch of busty babes jumping up and down and they could put Juan Pablo in red pants where he shows his ankles. Or because they knew…one of them would be a sour puss about it. Who was it? Oh, Negative Nikki…has arrived.

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Pediatric Nurse Nikki is wayyyyyy to cool for this junk. She’s just there to gaze at Juan Pablo behind her fake blonde mop and talk about how great with kids she is. She’s also there to make no friends, be a betch, and basically become the most hated woman on the show. Oh also, to wear a red shirt with a panda bear on it, annoying pig tails, and a ball cap. WINNNINGGGGGG. But she dances, because shes a team player like that. ROSE FOR YOU.

SHARLEEEEEEENNNNNN.

Lizard tongue gets the first solo date in Korea. She shows up for their date wearing shorts and tights….you ALL know the girls told her that was a lovely choice while snickering to herself that she looked like a goth version of Peter Pan or something. JOKES ON YOU KIDS, SHE STILL ROCKS HIS WORLD. It takes a true woman to call a man a smart ass, sing opera, say she doesn’t like kids, and be all “salivay” when they kiss to still get a rose and still be a front runner. You could seriously see her uterus shrink up in fear as Juany told her he wanted 2-3 more kids…She also flipped the fudge out when he asked her to sing…YOU ARE AN OPERA SINGER. PEOPLE PAY YOU TO SING. LIKE ALL THE TIME. WHAT?! If he had bought a ticket to one of your shows, you woulda had to sing…do you only sing for $95 a ticket? Is that how it goes? PIPE UP WOMAN AND BELT!

Syke, just kidding, she was good.
Syke, just kidding, she was good.

She must smell like sunshine and rainbows…I’m intrigued by this chick, mostly because I have no flipping clue why she is even on this show, but she makes it fun…and she always is wearing something that leaves you scratching your head…you can stay.

GROUUUUPPPP DATEEEEEE

Do you know what is the perfect date in Korea with one guy and like 6 girls? A trip to a doll house where you cram into a 10X10 room doused in flower wall paper and sing Korean karaoke…genius. That is the stuff nightmares are made of…NIGHTMARES. It totes looked like they turned an old brothel into a “karaoke” joint by day…right…karaoke…good cover up.

Basically, everyone in the house and the world hates Clare. Homegirl is a pill. Her dilated eye balls are too much for me. If she could pee on Juan Pablo to claim him as her territory, we all know she would…Clingy Clare will basically do anything for attention, even if that means fake puking in her mouth as she is all dramatic over eating fried octopus off a toothpick…I see what you’re doing Clare…nice approach.

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…and then she told him that she did it later…and he was all “thats disgusting”…but im still gonna kiss you even though I said no kissing tonight, because I’m a gentleman who doesn’t want my daughter to see me being a pimp on television. WHY WOULD YOUR 8 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WATCH THE SHOW ANYWAY YOU NUT?! NOOOOOOO. BAD IDEA.

So, let me get this straight JP. You deny the two sane women on the show (Renee and Andi) and you make out with Stage Fiver Clare in a creepy room with wooden ducks….I can’t. I CANT.

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There was some “Agreement” that if you had a rose, you wouldn’t try and get alone time with JP during the night of a thousand tear drops. Psht, that sh!ts for the birds. Nikki do what she want.

Homegirl strutted right over to JP and awkwardly stood in the dark waiting to be noticed…breaking up Clare’s time for mental mind ducking. ZING. She then proceed to tell Juan that he can see right into her soul (lies and secrets) when he looks her in the eyes because shes a witch. Shes not really a nurse, shes a sorceress who has the power to heal people with her special vision…like an Xmen or something.

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In the end, it was time to say goodbye to two people. Trophy tits and Vanessa Carlton….RIP. You made no lasting impact on JP or us, cept when Vanessa Carlton attempted to turn the night into a middle school dance and kiss JP and he was all NO IM A GENTLEMAN and shes all BUT I KNOW YOU’RE A MAN SLUT! And then she cried and it was sad and then she went home.

I shall miss Trophy Tits. She was just getting started. I saw her really coming out of her shell to the level of Droopy Eyes Kelly…adding classic one liners like “We know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that Clare”…aka…we know you are a tramp.

Next week, it appears things go too far with JP and Dilated Eye Balls Clare…I can’t wait…will this be the first Bachelor season sponsored by First Response Pregnancy Test?! We shall see….

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