The Bachelor Recap: Week 3: Tonsil Hockey Gone Wrong

Ok, let’s just get this out of the way.

SHARLEEN IS THE WORLDS MOST AWKWARD KISSER ON THE PLANET. She may be the worlds most awkward opera singer in the world. More on this later.

Last night episode included the following:

1. Lots of crying

2. Lots of spit swapping

3. Some awkward group dates

4. Some great Kelly “Purina Droopy Eyes” one liners.

Oh, where to begin.

I had to go back and look at my Twitter rants to even remember who the first date was with. Oh right, Bird Neck Oops I forgot I had a kid, Cassandra. Mountain brows and Juany P hoped into a “boat car”…it looked like it was straight out of Jurassic Park, and went to another boat. How enjoyable.

Birdy dropped the fact that she hasn’t been on a date in about 3 years, about 1857 times. Really? Tell us again, I think I forgot. When did you last go on a date? Oh right, 3 years ago. You say that like it was an eternity, but it is literally only like 15% of your entire life because you are a fetus, you are 21, GO HOME AND REACH YOUR POTENTIAL.

After the awkward Jurassic Park car/boat/yacht date, they scurry back to some random apartment to salsa dance while making pasta as Mountain Brows wears a see-through polyester white spaghetti strapped “shirt”, rose patterned jeans, and ankle handcuffs for shoes. Who wears white when cooking pasta? Oh right people who aren’t actually cooking it…duh. Her outfit looked like she plucked it off the cover of a Forever21 catalog from 2010…oh wait…that’s probably when she bought it, because she’s 12.

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I find her so boring and fake I can’t stand it. Please go home soon. Go back to High School. and get a JOB.

Chris Harrison then comes in to the house wearing a monstrosity of ugly in the form of a color blocked shirt to tell all but 2 girls that they are going on a group date. You can see the calculations going on in “Trophy Tits” head…She gets that it’s either her or Chelsie who get to go out on a solo outing with “Juan-a-date-me” Pablo. HERE COMES THE CATTY.

“Trophy Tits” aka Elisa (ya know, her real name), goes off on her rants of how immature and a “baby” Chelsie is and how she clearly isn’t ready to be a mom…ha, this is gonna get good. Her lack of readiness to be a mother, in ya know, your eyes, clearly is the reason you should get that solo date honey. Clearly. Shocker, Chelsie gets the date.

” Do you trust me”….is the title of this date…Um, I just met you, NO I DON’T TRUST YOU. I DONT KNOW YOU. WHO ARE YOU MISTER?

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JP takes Chelsie “Babygirl” to a Venezuelan restaurant to test her abdominal tolerance to a variety of foods. Oh and then he takes her to jump off a bridge. Basically JP wants to see if she has IBS and how her gag reflex is. She passed.

After way too long of standing there crying and shaking, sniffing the inner workings of his old spicey armpit, homegirl listens to the instructor in the visor and frosted tips and jumps. And then they makeout hanging upside down…spiderman style. How romantic, you are hanging there like cured meat…what a cheerful afternoon.

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What a lovely way to visually show how they are “Falling in love” with each other…get it…fall…off a bridge…you witty ABC producers you.

GROUP DATEEEEEEEEEEE.

Hey guys, did you know JP plays soccer? No? Do you wanna watch him pretend to not see you there as he runs around and plays soccer in a big fancy stadium (BECKHAM WAS HERE, KISS THE GROUND)? Great, cuz thats what you’re gonna do. Oh you are also gonna sit around bored as dirt and watch your frienemies kiss your made-for-tv-boyfriend.

They split up the chicks into two teams, skins and pennies, no just kidding, red vs blue, and had them attack each other with a soccer ball for probably 10 actual minutes. Girls got balls to the face…

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Balls to the shins…and JP got to see how “flexible and go with the flow” they are. Kelly “Purina Droopy Eyes” stunk, but he still thought she was cute and adorable like a basset hound. Soccer games over, now its time for the tonsil hockey. GRAB YOUR PUCKS.

Andi aka “Prosecuter Patty”, steps right up to the plate, snogs JP, and then feels like shes walking on cloud nine because clearly, making out gets you a guaranteed fake rose. Oh honey, how silly you are. Have you ever watched this show? You do know there are like 10 other biyahs trying to do the same thing…and one of those biyahs…was Sharleen.

Sharleen…the producers darling. The Awkward Aria darling is back. And she’s in it to win it. Homegirl rocked that backless, white (how’d she not get grass stains?) mini dress, and sat down for the GIF generator of the night…the kiss. It literally looked like something off of “Virgin Diaries” on TLC. Is that how they do kisses on the stage so those in the mezzanine can see?

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I gotta give it to her though. Homegirl knows how to get on in there and make an impression. She’s made an impression on the viewers (in that we all talk about how weird she is) and the girls all hate her because she’s got mundo, aka no problem with making out in public. Good luck Sharleen, may the odds be ever in your favor.

POOOOOL PARTY.

JP suggests they have a pool party instead of a cocktail party…and everything thinks this is a greatttttt idea. Specially Kat, who spends way too long with JP’s head in her who-haa land playing chicken, according to Kelly, my oh so favorite commentator.

The pool water was clearly filled with the dames tears. Because they all spent way too much time sobbing in bathrooms and benches over how”hard” and “difficult” this process is. Is it really difficult? To get what, 3 weeks off of work, to go on fun dates, live in a mansion, and get sloshed all day while you attempt to date a guy on tv? Oh, how sad for you. Nut job preggo chick Clare is having the worst of worst times since she hasn’t seen JP in a week since their magical “winter/fake paper” wonderland date…he forgot about you. Its fine. Why don’t you spend an awkward amount of time trying to saddle up next to him and hold his hand…oh you do that next week? Smart.

And then there was Renee, the token tissue holder, there to encourage and support all the sappy, uncertain, idiots she is forced to live with. She’s laughing her way into the final…calling it…right now.

DING DING DINGGGGG ROSE TIME.

Side glances. Evil glares. Awkward hands on shoulders as you step on biyahs who dont get a rose to go get yours. The rose ceremony is a work out for the peripheral vision. If looks, COULD KILL.

It was a sad night for bejeweled shorts Christy (WHO IS THIS AGAIN?!) and my fav, free spirited troll feet Lucy. Lucy ends up being the winner in this situation, rumor has it she now dates one of the co-creators of snapchat. She’s prob the inspiration for his creation with all her sexting pictures… he probs got in trouble by his mom when she found the pics so he created this. We can all thank Lucy for snapchat.

‘Til next week….oh joy.

RIP Lucy.
RIP Lucy.
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