So….I have to be honest…I hate the bachelor. Like really hate it (Im still going to watch because I’m so invested at this point and I have GOT to see what sorta cat fights that Kelly chick starts…). Last night did nothing to change my mind on that front. Where to begin…

Can anyone explain to me how they decide who gets the solo dates? Does JP pick them? Do the producers? Do they pick their names outta a hat? Because, what?! Balloon for a stomach and awkward name moment girl get the first ones? I can’t.

First up to bat, is Fake Clear Blue Preggo Test Chick Clare. I still am in awe the girl who shows up pretending to be pregnant isn’t shipped out with the other nutters like bang bang shrimp and Miley Cyrus 3.0. This girl…this girl is good for the Twitterin’. They went to this “magical” (read: fake paper stuff that isn’t snow) winter wonderland…in LA…in July…and homegirl kept saying how magical it all was…this isn’t magic…magic is the fact that you are still here on this date in the first place!! They “frolicked” and had a snow ball fight and then they “ice skated” aka she pretended she couldn’t so he’d have to “Catch her”…well probably find you tube videos of her doing triple lindy’s in the not so distant future. They danced in the “snow” which she had no idea where it was coming from…(the machine in the sky you twit) with NO PANTS ON…with winter coats on…in July. Kudos ABC for covering all the angles. Then they snogged in the hot tub (where she said he “tasted like snow”…WHAT DOES SNOW TASTE LIKE?!) and she lived happily ever after. Snooze. I find her boring. She has some stage 5 clinger tendencies and I’m not sure he’ll be able to get away from this one super easy. Oh, I almost forgot to mention her “way too soon” portrayal of her daddy issues…too soon…too….soon.

Up next: Kat. Kat, not Kylie. Kat. Kat. Kat. Kat. Me-ow.

Homegirl is a gold digger. You just saw her eyes light up like a Christmas Tree when she saw that private jet…I hope someone softly told her that didn’t belong to JP…Any whoo. He blindfolds her (red flag), throws her in a car (red flag), and then throws her on a private jet (red flag). Oh, then he asks her to change into a light up outfit of day glow spandex…I hope spray tan isn’t flamable, because that coulda been dannnnngerous.

Plane takes them to St. Lake City where they have to run 3 miles…in the dark…looking like Rainbow Bright. I woulda been 1,000 levels of T’Od if that was my date. Gimme the cheesy fake winterwonderland, or the helicopter….ain’t no good date without a helicopter!! But sure, run 3 miles…thats romantic. The problem I have with Kat…is that she seems to be…how do I put this gently….incredibly self centered and a heeping pile of snotty. She got up on that stage and danced with her mouth open like she was catching flies, truly believing everyone was there cheering for her…news flash Jem…they’re there for the Juan…not the chick who they all know aint winning. Move aside.

Group date. They should change this to “everyone but 3 people so its awkward” date.

They gaggle of other chicks (sans Sharleen, Amy L, and Danielle) piled into 2 limos and went off to do a photo shoot with some animal shelter dogs. Aka, dress up half of the girls to look classy and the other half to either be naked, painted like they have leprosy, or dressed as a fire hydrant. Where’s the equality in this show…it’s a cruel world. The best part of this? Clearly was when Lucy (Free Spirited Troll Feet), strutted down a busy LA street walking the dog, FREELY NEKED. FREELY. Only because Elise wasn’t so keen into being nakey nakey eggs and bakey in front of mr. pabs on the second day…I applaud your self awareness, hooray for trophy tits. This date was lame. LAME I TELL YA. LAME.

The only good part about last night…Victoria…oh sweet beautiful, 12 pack waste case Victoria. You beautiful, reality TV maiden. Girlfriend got hammered. She talked about giving Juan Pablo the “hymen maneuver”…she meant heimlich…she strutted around like Kristen Wigg on the plane in Bridesmaids…and then of course….she locked herself in a bathroom and cried because no one likes her and she wants to go home. Shocker. I always feel bad for the poor production guys who have to deal with the soaking wet, half naked chicks, with mascara seeping down their faces screaming to go home…so instead of giving her what they wanted, they quietly hid her away in a hotel so all the girls could go home and freely talk about her behind her back. So kind of you ABC. So kind.

Chick gets sent home early because we all know he didn’t want this lush representing his daughter at their local PTA meeting.

But wait, there are more tears. Cassandra, bird neck former NBA dancer, drops the “bomb” that she has a son. She was all nervous to tell him because she clearly forgot he already has a daughter, and didn’t realize what sort of a hand up this would give her…silly bird neck. She cries, for attention, because she misses her son, begs for him to sweep her away and to leave the others behind, and then gets denied in a bathroom…true love.

The true winner of last night Renee. Oh Renee, you play this game like a fiddle. She is painting herself to be quiet the mothering figure. She went to help lushy lush Victoria as she wailed in the bathroom. She listened to Cassandra whine about missing her previously unmentioned son. She has a child of her own. She is the secret mole, planting seeds of gloriousness all around this house. Trump card…you are wise beyond your years.

JP hands out some roses, people bite their lips, take deep breaths (to lift their boobs up higher for him to see), shift their weight, and nod their heads awkwardly to send him messages of “PICK ME OR ILL KILL YOUR DOG”. Sadly, Chantel and Amy L  go home. We all know Amy L was just here to try out for some west coast news stations, she succeeded in being the most self centered nut job in the house when she pretended to “interview” JP into saying a bunch of “nice” and “mundane” things about her. Either way, pack your bags. It was odd. You’re odd. You look like bambi. See ya later.

Womp womp womp.

Scenes from next week show Sharleen (previously uninterested bad ass opera singer) being a bit loosey goosey and getting the other girls all mad…get it girl…GET IT.

Til next week!