A Newbs Guide to The Bachelor.

I don’t watch the bachelor on the reg. I watched the first few seasons and then after the epic love story that is Tristan and Ryan I felt like it was all down hill from there. What could top that perfect, made for tv relationship that gave all other dating show contestants hope…nothing I tell ya….nothing.

But last night…I broke my streak. With a fellow bachelor-loving-friend in tow, we switched it on and tucked in for a show of desperation, lip gloss, and fake boobs ( we followed this up with watching a documentary about people who think they love and marry buildings….yup). It was lovely, true magic. Who wouldn’t want to throw themselves at this low talking (serious, he whispers) single dad with rose inferiority complex.

Love me. Please. Love me.
Love me. Please. Love me.

Now, I know how the bachelor works. Dude stands there awkwardly, gawks at all these ladies as they walk up to him,  girls trip outta the hairspray box of singleness aka the limo, they strut up pretending to not trip and be all “cute and rememberable”, and then they go inside, get drunk, and scratch and claw to speed date the hunk of the hour. Why didn’t I come up with this ratings genius…whyyyyyy.

I haven’t watched the show because I always felt like it was just another way to sell tabloids and I only have room for one of those shows in my life (Kardashians own the top slot). But I realized last night, I have been missing out on the opportunity to be snarky, judgey, and critical from the comfort of my own couch….tsk tsk Lindsey…tsk tsk.

I gotta tell ya, I think I picked a good season to jump back in on. Bimbo blondes, too cool for school Opera singers (yall saw that awkward moment where she called Juan Pablo SIR!!!), those “I think im country, but im really glitzy” chicks that try and pull the “sweet and humble” card, and then…the epic-ness that was the time when a girl thought he said her name (i told you he WHISPERS) and he meant another girl and he never picked her…you just felt her heart sink into her Fredericks of Hollywood heels…poor thing.

In true me fashion, I created a little chart to outline some of my favorite nicknames we came up with last night. Some of these girls are no longer with us…pour a little out for the homies…but they shall live on in our hearts…until next week when we forget all about their hair extensions and spray tans…oh what a cruel world we live in.


1. Bang Bang Shrimp (Amy J): Just look at those bangs. Not only did she look like she’s wearing a weave, but homegirl wasted no time in smearing oil on Juan Pablos suit in the most awkward massage on the PLANET. Seriously, she put OIL on his SUIT JACKET. Then she took his shoes off…top of the list of 10 ways to ensure you’re going home for being a qwack.

2. Troll Feet (Lucy): I thought this chick was a goner the minute she stepped outta the limo all hippie chic like. Then she showed she wasn’t wearing any shoes…then she threw her legs on top of him and showed her hobbit troll jacked up feet to the world…then he picked her and she twirled like Maria from the Sound of Music, he must be thinking her free spirit makes her adventurous…yall know what Im saying.

3. Miley Cyrus 3.0 (Lauren H): She sounds like Miley, she looks like Miley, she has break downs like Miley, and if she had another glass of wine I bet she woulda twerked like Miley if it meant she got alone with with Juany P. You came in like a wrecking ball girl…and u just kept going on out the door. Sorry.

4. Trophy Tits (Elise): I mean, they’re great. And her posture ensures you see them from outerspace. In addition to these winners, her dress was reminiscent of an Oscar statue on award night…you’ll be around for at least 2 more weeks in my predictions…

5. Veronica Corningstone (Amy L): I went back and forth on weather this one would be Jessica Rabbit or Veronica Corningstone. She strutted out in a red sleeky dress all booby and doe eyed. But then she said she was a local news reporter and well…move over Ron Burgundy…Amy L is HERE.

6. Prosecuter Patty (Andi): She already gets points for having the androgynous name (guys like that), but on top of that, she kept throwing down how she likes to put people in jail…but why is she an assistant district attorney and not a full blown DA? I honestly didn’t even know those existed (they didn’t in that giddeons army doc on HBO I saw…)

7. Feed the Birds (Cassandra): She needs to eat some bread or bird seed or something because her long lanky neck is working too hard to hold up her head. Eat a burger honey…please.

8. Microphonetic (Chantel): Don’t say this girls name wrong, just don’t. She’s got the phonetic pronunciation of her name and she’s not afraid to use it.

9. Walter White (Chelsie): This “Science educator” aka “museum tour guide” brought her goggles and test tubes…I thought she was going to ask for his sperm in the cup…I really did…but then the real punch line of the joke came that she didn’t want to teach chemistry…she wanted them to just HAVE chemistry…she’s witty.

10. Xmas Tree (Christine): The fact that he didn’t keep this bombshell in the green dress is beyond me. She must not be as gorgeous and bodacious as she looked on tv in person…doubtful. Why do you keep troll feet over hottie in the green? Are you colorblind Juan P?

11. White was a bad choice (Christy): She looked like she came off the pages of last seasons Davids Bridal catalogue. Goodbye.

12. Nut Job Preggo Chick (Clare): well this got our attention…I was about to go off on ABC for letting a seemingly 7 months pregnant on a dating show…WHAT IF SHE WENT INTO LABOR?? But thankfully, it was a joke…I thought she just smuggled a watermelon out from the wet bar in the limo…all alarms off. not pregnant. phew.

13. Token Curly Chick (Danielle): Self-explanatory. Can’t let the straight hair chicks have all the fun. Get in there girl, go on with your curly self. Oh but your dress did look like it was stolen from a mummy…just saying.

14. That one (Kat): That one who was the one Juan Pablo really wanted when he whispered her name at the rose ceremony…I just kept thinking of this:

Ouch, that hurt.
Ouch, that hurt.

15. Purina Princess (Kelly): WHO BRINGS A DOG TO A DATING SHOW?? It wasn’t even a cute dog…if it was a purse pup (ya know like giggy on RHBH…maybe), but no…what if someone was allergic? maybe that was her strategy? take down the other contestants with dog fur and dander…that’ll show them.

16. White Trash Ariel (Kylie): Poor Kylie, the laughing stock of females 18-35 today. I feel bad making fun of her red locks and bubble gum pink dress…but she did look like she came off the pages of The Little Mermaid: Sea Shells of Fun or something like that.

17. Tapioca Tantress (Lacy): She says she owns a nursing home. I don’t believe that. Either way, she probably smells like tapioca and applesauce.

18. Vanessa Carlton (Lauren S): Homegirl rolled up playing a piano on a bike…I just thought of the Vanessa Carlton video where shes being driven around NYC playing the piano, but VC didn’t flub on the note…BURN.

19. Saving Mrs. Banks (Maggie): She’s a personal banker. She didn’t invest very much in herself though because she got the ax early on…PLAY ON WORDS. BYEBYE.

20. Nurse Nikki: Well I like this one. She’s a fave. She’s a nurse…she has her own stethoscope…she can save his child..she can pull marbles out of noses…she’s a keeper.

21. Trump Card (Renee): The only other single parent…this will get you far. Use this “I have a kid too” to get you all the way to the final girl…USE IT.

22. Aria of Awkward (Sharlene): Y’all…Y’all…that moment when she called him sir…after saying SURE when she got the first impression rose…I mean…WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON A DATING SHOW IF YOU ARENT EVEN SURE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW HIM? I was hoping she’d bust out some singing and show those chicks how to rock a diaphragm…maybe next week.

23. Ms. Humble Pie (Valerie): Girl needs to eat a piece. In her video she kept saying how pretty she was and how country she was…well… start chewing gf because you are going home back to the cows. They still think you’re pretty though…

24. Yellow Dress (Victoria): At least I think that’s who this was… I don’t remember she either was yellow dress or the chick with the soccer ball…

25. Glue Stick Guru (Ashley): First grade teacher by day…seductive reality dating tv show contestant by night…way to step up and take care of the wrecking ball that is Miley Cyrus 3.0 though…wise choice of time (not).

26. Who-ville (Alexis): I have zero idea who this was. WHO ARE YOU?

27. Nanny Diaries (Alli): She’s a nanny. Obviously that makes her good with kids (win/win), unless shes like the nanny from this weekends Downtown Abbey…SADIST!!

Well, That’s it. 27 unlucky in love ladies looking to win the heart of the low talking salsa dancing dad…good luck ladies…good luck.

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